1 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:06,332 Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam! 2 00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,734 Lovely Spam! 3 00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:12,371 Lovely Spa-a-a 4 00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:15,708 a-a-a-m 5 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:19,112 Lovely Spam! Lovely Spam! 6 00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:24,450 Lovely Spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! 7 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:28,588 Always look on the bright side of life 8 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:35,895 Always look on the bright side 9 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,564 Of life 10 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:51,731 Olé! 11 00:03:55,769 --> 00:04:00,473 Señoras, señores y señoritas, buenas noches. 12 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:03,276 Buenas Noches. 13 00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:33,572 - ¡Olé! - ¡Olé! 14 00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:12,338 Who would have thought 40 years ago, 15 00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:15,875 we'd all be sitting here doing Monty Python, eh? 16 00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:17,676 Aye, aye. 17 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:20,980 In them days, we was glad to have the price of a cup of tea. 18 00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,415 - Cup of cold tea. - Aye. 19 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,450 Without milk or sugar. 20 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:27,920 - Or tea. - In a cracked cup and all. 21 00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:30,456 We never used to have a cup. 22 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:34,160 We used to have to drink it out of a roll of newspaper. 23 00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:37,797 Best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth. 24 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:41,667 But you know we were happy in those days, although we were poor. 25 00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:43,903 - Because we were poor. - Right. 26 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:48,174 My old dad used to say to me, "Money doesn't buy you happiness, son." 27 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,608 He was right. 28 00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:52,845 I was happier in those days and I had nothing. 29 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:57,049 We used to live in this tiny, old chumble-down house, 30 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,685 with great big holes in the roof. 31 00:06:59,786 --> 00:07:01,687 You were lucky to have a house. 32 00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:07,293 There were 26 of us in one room. No furniture, half the floor were missing. 33 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:11,097 We were all huddled in one corner for fear of falling. 34 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:15,868 You were lucky to have a room. We used to live in corridor. 35 00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:20,172 We used to dream of living in a corridor. 36 00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:25,144 Would have been a palace to us. 37 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:29,415 We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. 38 00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:34,220 Got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us. 39 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,654 House. 40 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:39,925 Well, when I say "house," it was only a hole in the ground, 41 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:44,430 covered by a sheet of tarpaulin, but it was a house to us. 42 00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:48,934 We were evicted from our hole in the ground. 43 00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:51,303 We had to go and live in the swamp. 44 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:54,740 You were lucky to have a swamp. 45 00:07:54,841 --> 00:08:00,079 There were 150 of us living in a shoe box, in the middle of road. 46 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:01,981 - Cardboard box? - Aye. 47 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,616 You were lucky. 48 00:08:06,686 --> 00:08:11,457 We lived for three months in a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank. 49 00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:14,093 We used to have to get up at 6:00 in the morning, clean the newspaper, 50 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:19,431 go to work down the mill 14 hours a day, week in week out, for six pence a week. 51 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,799 When we got home, 52 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,436 our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt. 53 00:08:25,972 --> 00:08:27,973 Luxury. 54 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:32,678 We used to get up out of the swamp at 3:00 in the morning, 55 00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:36,649 drain the swamp, eat a hard boiled twig, 56 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,853 work 19 hours at mill for a shilling a year, and when we got home, 57 00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:44,757 our dad would flog us to sleep with a cat-o'-nine-tails 58 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,326 if we were lucky. 59 00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,727 Paradise. 60 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:52,031 We had it tough. 61 00:08:52,132 --> 00:08:56,035 We used to have to get up out of shoe box in middle of night, 62 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:59,271 and lick road clean with our tongues. 63 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,675 We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel, 64 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:08,080 work 24 hours a day at mill for four pence every six years, 65 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,582 and when we got home, 66 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:13,786 our dad would slice us in two with bread knife. 67 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:15,721 Right. 68 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,592 I had to get up in the morning at 10:00 at night, 69 00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:22,528 half an hour before I went to bed. 70 00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:26,932 Eat a lump of cold poison, work 29 hours a day down mill, 71 00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,868 and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, 72 00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,303 and when we got home, 73 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:35,708 our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing hallelujah. 74 00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:36,942 Aye. 75 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:40,279 You try and tell the young people of today that, 76 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,214 and they won't believe you. 77 00:09:44,150 --> 00:09:46,685 Wasn't that terrific, ladies and gentlemen? Really great. 78 00:09:46,786 --> 00:09:48,520 Now, the next item on the program is... 79 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:51,624 I can't stand it, man. Really, I've had it with this idiot. 80 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,592 Every night, making me say the most annoying... 81 00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:55,828 Really terrific act. Now, the next item on the... 82 00:09:55,929 --> 00:10:01,133 Mouth's gone... it's gone away. Gonna find someone a bit cooler, maybe? 83 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,535 I mean, it can't be that hard. 84 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:08,440 I got experience... 85 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,809 Know how he feels... 86 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,936 Welcome aboard, British-er pig. 87 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,208 Fritz, the tables seem to have turned, old chap. 88 00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:47,746 Greetings capitalist pig, 89 00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:52,451 very sorry, but must inform you that you are now our prisoner. 90 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:13,839 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. You look and smell divine. 91 00:11:13,940 --> 00:11:18,711 Welcome to Monty's musical, the show that leaves you wanting less. 92 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:22,014 And, a very big hand please, for Terry Gilliam. 93 00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:35,794 Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. 94 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,900 Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? 95 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,670 Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong 96 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:49,274 It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick 97 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:53,045 From the tiniest little tadger To the world's biggest prick 98 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:56,014 So, three cheers for your willy or John Thomas 99 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,018 Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake 100 00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:02,955 Your piece of pork Your wife's best friend 101 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,623 Your Percy or your cock 102 00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:08,260 You can wrap it up in ribbons you can slip it in your sock 103 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:12,398 But don't take it out in public or they'll stick you in the dock 104 00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:15,067 And you won't a-come a-back 105 00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:18,370 Thank you very much, indeed. Thank you so much. 106 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,645 Thank you. 107 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:31,183 I'd like to thank the Navy, and here they are. 108 00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:46,064 Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? 109 00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:49,468 Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? 110 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,671 It's swell to have a stiffy 111 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,007 It's divine to own a dick 112 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:58,544 From the tiniest little tadger To the world's biggest prick 113 00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:02,314 So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas 114 00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:05,884 Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake 115 00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,121 Your piece of pork Your wife's best friend 116 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,223 Your Percy or your cock 117 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:15,227 You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock 118 00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:19,031 But don't take it out in public Or they'll stick you in the dock 119 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,100 And you won't come back 120 00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:27,005 It's fun to own your own vagina 121 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:30,476 It's great to have your friendly thatch 122 00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:35,247 Your minge, your twat, your kitty cat 123 00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:39,151 Your nest, your nasty or your snatch 124 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:43,355 It's great to have a monkey furrow 125 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:46,859 Your finger pie, your lunch box or your catch 126 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:51,330 Your camel toe, your bearded clam Your bottom at the front 127 00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,265 Your monkey minge, your muffin 128 00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,267 Or your old Sir Berkeley Hunt 129 00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,636 Your honey pot, your hairy friend 130 00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,304 But never call it "cunt" 131 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,341 Or we won't come back 132 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,083 Isn't it awfully nice to own a bottom 133 00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:15,153 Isn't it frightfully good to have an arse 134 00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:19,791 It's swell to own a tushy it's divine to have a scut 135 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:23,829 From the skinniest little buttocks to the world's largest butt 136 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:27,432 Three cheers for your posterior or anus 137 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:30,969 Hooray for your lovely sit-upon 138 00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:34,006 Your fundament, your fanny 139 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,174 Your cheeky little dear 140 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:40,112 Your rump, your haunch, your hams, your stern, your fanny or your rear 141 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:44,116 But be careful how you handle it or you'll be caught I fear 142 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,185 And you won't come back 143 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,326 Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis... 144 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:58,030 It's fun to own your own vagina 145 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,099 It's great to have your friendly thatch 146 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,570 It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick 147 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,672 ...your kitty cat 148 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,974 Your nest, your nasty or your snatch... 149 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,842 So, three cheers for your willy... 150 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,846 It's great to have a monkey furrow 151 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,215 Your finger pie, your lunch box or your catch... 152 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:20,619 Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend Your Percy or your cock 153 00:15:21,154 --> 00:15:23,055 Your bottom at the front 154 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:26,992 Your monkey minge, your muffin But don't take it out in public 155 00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,760 Or they'll stick you in the dock 156 00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:31,797 And you won't come back 157 00:15:31,898 --> 00:15:35,801 No, Sir! No, you won't come back 158 00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,170 No, sir! 159 00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:48,313 Company, by the right... 160 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:50,949 dress! 161 00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:56,021 Company, camp it hup! 162 00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,192 My goodness me! 163 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,928 I'm in a bad temper today, all right! 164 00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:06,999 Two, three, damn, damn Two, three, I'm vexed and ratty 165 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,934 Two, three, and hopping mad 166 00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:11,837 Stamp, stamp Get her, whoops 167 00:16:12,205 --> 00:16:14,606 I've got your number, ducky 168 00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:17,042 You couldn't afford me, dear 169 00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:21,279 Two, three, I'd scratch your eyes out Two, three, meow 170 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:26,051 Two, three don't come the Rear Admiral bit with us, dear 171 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:30,188 We all know where you've been You Royal Naval fairy 172 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:35,293 Two, three, left, right, left, right who's kissing us tonight 173 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,429 Whoops, don't look now, girls 174 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:41,533 the captain's just minced in with that dolly little seaman 175 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:46,571 Two, three, ooh Two, three, hello sailor! 176 00:16:52,111 --> 00:16:56,982 Company, today, you go off to war, and my God, I wish I was coming with you. 177 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,886 When I first went to fight, I had two arms. 178 00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:03,455 Two good arms, but when the time came to give them, 179 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:04,990 I gave them, I gave them gladly. 180 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:09,261 I sang and laughed as they sawed them off, 181 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,731 because I believed that there was a future for mankind 182 00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:15,967 if men were prepared to give their limbs. 183 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:18,303 And not just men, but their women folk, too, 184 00:17:18,504 --> 00:17:22,474 And our children, and our children's children's limbs, 185 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,976 and our children's children's limbs. 186 00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:26,278 And what about our pets? 187 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:29,314 - Why should the little bastards get off... - Stop that sketch. 188 00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:29,815 - Why should the little bastards get off... - Stop that sketch. 189 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:33,351 Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do. 190 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,621 Except perhaps, my wife, and some of her friends. 191 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,124 Yes, and Captain Johnson. 192 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:42,094 Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do. 193 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,495 But that's beside the point. 194 00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:47,699 Now, let's have a good, clean, healthy outdoor sketch. 195 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,869 Get some air into your lungs. Ten, nine, eight, and all that. 196 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:57,776 There are pages in history's book, which are written on the grand scale. 197 00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:02,647 Events so momentous, that they dwarf man and time alike. 198 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,851 And such was the Battle of Pearl Harbor, 199 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:10,322 re-enacted for us now by the women of the Batley Townswomen's Guild. 200 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,823 Miss Rita Thurbanks, you organised 201 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,593 this reconstruction of the battle of Pearl Harbor, Why? 202 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:18,096 Well, we've always been extremely interested in modern drama. 203 00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:19,531 We were of course, 204 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:24,236 the first Townswomen's Guild to perform Camp on Blood Island, 205 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,637 and last year, of course, 206 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:30,308 we did an extremely popular re-enactment of Nazi war atrocities. 207 00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:34,613 And so, this year, we thought we'd like to do something in a lighter vein. 208 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:39,184 - So, you chose the battle of Pearl Harbor? - Yes that's right, we did. 209 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,786 Well, I can see you're all ready to go, 210 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,522 So, I'll just wish you good luck in your latest venture. 211 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,423 Thank you very much, young man. 212 00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:48,960 Ladies and gentlemen, the World of History is proud to present 213 00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:51,263 the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild 214 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:54,566 re-enactment of the battle of Pearl Harbor. 215 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:56,494 Oh dear. We're not about to allow this sort of smutchly showing on screen. 216 00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:11,176 Michelangelo to see you, Your Holiness. 217 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,344 What? 218 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:16,548 Michelangelo, the famous Renaissance artist, 219 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,184 whose best known works include, 220 00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:23,955 the celebrated statue of David without any underpants. 221 00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,390 In 1514... 222 00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,759 Yes, yes, they've got it now, they've got it now. 223 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,662 - What? What? - Go away. 224 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,797 I was just trying to be informative. 225 00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:33,965 Go away. 226 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:38,136 Right. Exits. 227 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,476 - Good evening, Your Holiness. - Good evening, Michelangelo. 228 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:48,880 Now, I want to have a word with you about this painting of yours, the Last Supper. 229 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,882 - Oh yeah? - I'm not happy with it. 230 00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:53,118 Oh, dear. It took me hours. 231 00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,020 Not happy at all. 232 00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:57,789 - Is it the jelly you don't like? - Jelly? 233 00:20:58,057 --> 00:21:00,058 I mean, they do add a bit of colour, don't they? 234 00:21:00,159 --> 00:21:03,561 I know what it is. You don't like the kangaroo. 235 00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:06,965 - What kangaroo? - Never mind, I'll paint him out. 236 00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,968 - I never saw a kangaroo. - Well, he's at the back with the llama, 237 00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:12,270 Doesn't matter, I'll make him into one of the Disciples. 238 00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:15,206 - Okay? - That's the problem. 239 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,776 - What is? - The Disciples. 240 00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:20,478 Are they too Jewish? 241 00:21:20,579 --> 00:21:23,648 I made Judas the most Jewish. 242 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:27,552 No, it's just that there are 28 of them. 243 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,854 - Too many? - Well, of course it's too many. 244 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:33,525 Yeah, I know, but I wanted to give the impression of a real Last Supper, 245 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:37,228 not just like a last snack or a final meal. 246 00:21:37,330 --> 00:21:40,699 But a real mother of a Last Supper. 247 00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:45,003 There were only 12 Disciples at the Last Supper. 248 00:21:45,104 --> 00:21:47,839 Well, maybe, some of their friends dropped by after dinner for a drink. 249 00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,174 No friends. 250 00:21:49,275 --> 00:21:50,775 - Waiters? - No waiters. 251 00:21:50,876 --> 00:21:52,577 - Cabaret. - No cabaret. 252 00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:55,714 You see, I like the crowd, it helps to flesh out the scene. 253 00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:57,983 I could lose a few, I suppose. 254 00:21:58,084 --> 00:22:01,586 - Look, there were only 12 Disciples... - I've got it. 255 00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:05,790 - We'll call it, "The Last But One Supper." - What? 256 00:22:06,292 --> 00:22:09,661 Well, if there was a last one, there must have been a one before that. 257 00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:12,931 So, this will be the Penultimate Supper. 258 00:22:13,032 --> 00:22:15,700 The Bible doesn't say how many people were there now, does it? 259 00:22:15,801 --> 00:22:17,702 - No, no. - Well, there you are, then. 260 00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:19,270 Well, look, look, 261 00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:22,907 The Last Supper was a significant event in the life of our Lord. 262 00:22:23,009 --> 00:22:24,676 The Penultimate Supper was not, 263 00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:27,379 even if they had a mariachi band and a conjurer. 264 00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:30,382 Now, I commissioned a Last Supper from you, 265 00:22:30,483 --> 00:22:33,218 and a Last Supper I want, with 12 Disciples, 266 00:22:33,786 --> 00:22:37,055 and one Christ! 267 00:22:37,723 --> 00:22:38,923 One? 268 00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:40,759 Yes, one! 269 00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,694 Now, will you tell me what in God's name 270 00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:46,698 possessed you to paint this with three Christs in it? 271 00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:48,666 - It works, mate. - Works? 272 00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:50,235 Yeah, it looks great. 273 00:22:50,403 --> 00:22:52,971 The fat one balances the two skinny ones. 274 00:22:53,172 --> 00:22:55,106 There was only one redeemer! 275 00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:57,308 I know that, we all know that. 276 00:22:57,410 --> 00:23:00,245 - I want one... - What about a bit of artistic licence? 277 00:23:00,346 --> 00:23:02,414 I want one Messiah. 278 00:23:02,581 --> 00:23:04,682 I'll tell you what you want, you want a bloody photographer, 279 00:23:04,784 --> 00:23:07,786 that's what you bloody well want. Not an artistic creator. 280 00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:09,020 I'll tell you what I want. 281 00:23:09,121 --> 00:23:13,024 I want a Last Supper with 12 Disciples, one Christ, 282 00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:15,493 no steel bands, no trampoline acts, 283 00:23:15,594 --> 00:23:20,532 no kangaroos by Thursday lunch, or you don't get paid. 284 00:23:20,633 --> 00:23:21,833 Bloody fascist. 285 00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:26,538 Look, I'm the head of the fucking Catholic Church, I am, 286 00:23:26,605 --> 00:23:28,173 so, watch it. 287 00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:34,913 You know what makes that special? 288 00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:35,680 Yes. 289 00:23:35,681 --> 00:23:36,548 Yes. 290 00:23:37,650 --> 00:23:41,152 There are Jews in the world there are Buddhists 291 00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,088 There are Hindus and Mormons 292 00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:44,422 And then 293 00:23:44,523 --> 00:23:47,592 There are those who all follow Mohammed 294 00:23:47,693 --> 00:23:51,629 But I've never been one of them 295 00:23:52,298 --> 00:23:54,966 I'm a Roman Catholic 296 00:23:55,401 --> 00:23:58,736 And have been since before I was born 297 00:23:59,205 --> 00:24:02,974 And the one thing they say about Catholics is 298 00:24:03,409 --> 00:24:06,678 They'll take you as soon as you're warm 299 00:24:07,246 --> 00:24:10,248 You don't have to be a six footer 300 00:24:10,983 --> 00:24:14,319 You don't have to have a great brain 301 00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:17,789 You don't have to have any clothes on 302 00:24:18,257 --> 00:24:22,293 You're a Catholic the moment Dad came 303 00:24:22,561 --> 00:24:24,028 Because 304 00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:28,800 Every sperm is sacred 305 00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:32,737 Every sperm is great 306 00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:37,108 If a sperm is wasted 307 00:24:37,343 --> 00:24:40,311 God gets in a bate 308 00:24:41,780 --> 00:24:45,517 Every sperm is sacred 309 00:24:45,618 --> 00:24:49,387 Every sperm is great 310 00:24:49,688 --> 00:24:53,224 If a sperm is wasted 311 00:24:53,726 --> 00:24:56,995 God gets quite irate 312 00:24:58,931 --> 00:25:01,933 Let the Heathens spill theirs 313 00:25:02,234 --> 00:25:05,503 On the dusty ground 314 00:25:05,638 --> 00:25:08,840 God shall make them pay 315 00:25:08,941 --> 00:25:12,377 For each sperm that can't be found 316 00:25:13,546 --> 00:25:16,681 Every sperm is wanted 317 00:25:17,149 --> 00:25:19,684 Every sperm is good 318 00:25:20,753 --> 00:25:23,721 Every sperm is needed 319 00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:27,091 In your neighbourhood 320 00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,895 Hindu, Taoist, Mormon 321 00:25:31,063 --> 00:25:34,532 Spill theirs just anywhere 322 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,835 But God loves those who treat 323 00:25:37,937 --> 00:25:41,906 their semen with more care 324 00:25:42,408 --> 00:25:45,843 Every sperm is sacred 325 00:25:46,011 --> 00:25:48,546 Every sperm is boss 326 00:25:49,615 --> 00:25:53,017 If a sperm is wasted 327 00:25:53,219 --> 00:25:55,386 God can get quite cross 328 00:25:56,755 --> 00:26:00,124 Every sperm is holy 329 00:26:00,492 --> 00:26:03,595 Every drop divine 330 00:26:03,696 --> 00:26:06,998 But God needs everybody's 331 00:26:07,099 --> 00:26:09,100 - Mine - And mine 332 00:26:09,168 --> 00:26:11,035 And mine 333 00:26:40,499 --> 00:26:43,801 Let the pagans spill theirs 334 00:26:43,902 --> 00:26:47,705 On mountain, hill and plain 335 00:26:48,207 --> 00:26:51,242 God shall strike them down for 336 00:26:51,410 --> 00:26:54,946 Each sperm that's spilled in vain 337 00:26:55,381 --> 00:26:58,816 Every sperm is sacred 338 00:26:58,917 --> 00:27:01,986 Every sperm is true 339 00:27:02,688 --> 00:27:05,890 Every sperm is needed 340 00:27:06,191 --> 00:27:09,360 Even in O2 341 00:27:09,862 --> 00:27:13,064 Every sperm is sacred 342 00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:16,334 Every sperm is great 343 00:27:17,002 --> 00:27:20,371 If a sperm is wasted 344 00:27:20,706 --> 00:27:23,274 God gets quite 345 00:27:23,342 --> 00:27:27,712 irate 346 00:27:31,417 --> 00:27:36,921 God gets quite 347 00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:42,860 irate 348 00:28:12,891 --> 00:28:15,426 Bloody Catholics. 349 00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:17,528 Filling up the bloody world with bloody people, 350 00:28:17,629 --> 00:28:20,498 they can't afford to bloody feed. 351 00:28:20,599 --> 00:28:21,966 What are we, dear? 352 00:28:22,067 --> 00:28:25,703 Protestant and fiercely proud of it. 353 00:28:25,804 --> 00:28:28,239 Why do they have so many children? 354 00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:31,376 Because every time they have sexual intercourse, 355 00:28:31,477 --> 00:28:33,277 they have to have a baby. 356 00:28:33,512 --> 00:28:35,613 But it's the same with us, Harry. 357 00:28:36,081 --> 00:28:37,215 What do you mean? 358 00:28:37,383 --> 00:28:42,587 Well, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice. 359 00:28:43,589 --> 00:28:47,158 That's not the point, we can have it whenever we want. 360 00:28:47,259 --> 00:28:49,093 - Really? - Yeah. 361 00:28:50,429 --> 00:28:52,530 Because we don't believe in all that papist clap trap, 362 00:28:52,631 --> 00:28:54,198 we can take precautions. 363 00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:56,934 What, you mean lock the door? 364 00:28:57,302 --> 00:29:01,239 No. I mean as members of the Protestant Reformed Church, 365 00:29:01,340 --> 00:29:04,575 that successfully challenged the autocratic power of the papacy 366 00:29:04,676 --> 00:29:07,378 in the early part of the 16th century, 367 00:29:07,479 --> 00:29:10,448 we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue. 368 00:29:10,549 --> 00:29:12,016 What do you mean? 369 00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:14,619 I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you. 370 00:29:15,087 --> 00:29:16,421 Yes, Harry. 371 00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:21,392 And thanks to Martin Luther and his friends, I could wear a sheath. 372 00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:24,095 - What, a dress? - No, no. 373 00:29:24,630 --> 00:29:29,700 A rubber sheath over my own fella to ensure that when I came off, 374 00:29:29,802 --> 00:29:31,235 you would not be impregnated. 375 00:29:32,304 --> 00:29:35,606 Yes, that's what being a Protestant's all about. 376 00:29:36,708 --> 00:29:41,679 It doesn't stop with a simple condom, no. I could wear French ticklers. 377 00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:42,880 You what? 378 00:29:42,981 --> 00:29:48,119 French ticklers, crocodile ribs, black mambos, wafer thin condoms. 379 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:54,425 Designed not only to protect, but enhance the stimulation of sexual congress. 380 00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:56,761 Have you got one? 381 00:29:57,362 --> 00:30:00,565 Have I got one? Well, no. 382 00:30:00,666 --> 00:30:04,669 But I could go down the road any time and walk into Boots with my head held high, 383 00:30:04,770 --> 00:30:09,173 and say, "Mr Boot, I want you to sell me a condom. 384 00:30:09,374 --> 00:30:14,078 "In fact, I think I'll have a Mexican tickler. 385 00:30:14,179 --> 00:30:16,180 "For, I am a Protestant, 386 00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:21,152 "and that is best thing to be because that is what God wants." 387 00:30:25,123 --> 00:30:27,992 You people really piss me off! 388 00:30:28,093 --> 00:30:32,196 I'm sorry I invented you. It was a really bad idea. 389 00:30:32,297 --> 00:30:36,567 Sex, sex, sex, that's all you bloody humans think about. 390 00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:41,038 That, and trying to blow smoke up my arse with endless prayers. 391 00:30:41,106 --> 00:30:43,241 It's so boring. 392 00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:48,479 Now, this is supposed to be a funny show, so, for my sake, get on with it. 393 00:30:51,617 --> 00:30:55,286 And, welcome to Munich for the 27th City Olympiad, 394 00:30:55,387 --> 00:30:58,322 an event held traditionally every 3.7 years, 395 00:30:58,423 --> 00:31:00,024 which, this year, has brought together competitors 396 00:31:00,125 --> 00:31:02,727 from over four million different countries. 397 00:31:02,828 --> 00:31:05,096 And here we are at the start of the first event of the afternoon, 398 00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:09,500 the second semi-final of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction. 399 00:31:09,601 --> 00:31:10,768 Let's see the competitors, 400 00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,237 Lane one, Kolomovski of Poland Lane two, Zatapatique of France. 401 00:31:13,338 --> 00:31:16,774 Lane three, Gropovich of the United States. Next to him, Drabble of Trinidad. 402 00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:20,978 Next to him, Fernandez of Spain, and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil. 403 00:31:24,616 --> 00:31:25,850 And now, over to the swimming. 404 00:31:25,951 --> 00:31:28,052 And you join us here at the Bundesabsurd pool, 405 00:31:28,153 --> 00:31:31,622 just in time to see the start of the 200 metres freestyle for non-swimmers. 406 00:31:31,723 --> 00:31:36,460 Watch for the tough Australian champion, Ron Barnett in the second lane. 407 00:31:44,336 --> 00:31:47,471 Well, we'll be bringing you back here the moment they start fishing the corpses out, 408 00:31:47,573 --> 00:31:50,908 but now over to Hans Clay for the start of the marathon for incontinence. 409 00:31:51,376 --> 00:31:53,477 Well, we've got an enormous entry for this event. 410 00:31:53,579 --> 00:31:56,180 Forty-four competitors from 29 different countries, 411 00:31:56,281 --> 00:31:58,983 all of them with the most superbly weak bladders. 412 00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:00,952 Not a tight sphincter in sight. 413 00:32:01,053 --> 00:32:03,854 Ready to embark, nevertheless, on the world's longest race, 414 00:32:03,956 --> 00:32:05,957 and they're just aching to go. 415 00:32:06,058 --> 00:32:09,360 On your marks! Get set! 416 00:32:09,928 --> 00:32:12,797 And they're off, they're off. 417 00:32:14,533 --> 00:32:15,933 And now, the high jump. 418 00:32:16,034 --> 00:32:17,935 Katerina Ovelenskij for the Soviet Union, 419 00:32:18,370 --> 00:32:22,640 But what a jump! What a jump! That will probably be a record! 420 00:32:23,175 --> 00:32:25,776 And here we are at the 3,000 metre steeple chase 421 00:32:25,877 --> 00:32:27,378 for people who think they're chickens. 422 00:32:27,479 --> 00:32:31,215 There's Samuelsson of the United States and over there, is Klaus of East Germany. 423 00:32:31,316 --> 00:32:33,618 He's been a Rhode Island Red now for the last three Olympics. 424 00:32:33,719 --> 00:32:35,486 And there's the referee trying to get them going... 425 00:32:35,587 --> 00:32:36,621 Where is the leader? 426 00:32:36,722 --> 00:32:38,623 Abe Seagull of Canada, he went off, 427 00:32:38,724 --> 00:32:42,326 got a very good start and then settled down on the water jump, and has now gone loopy. 428 00:32:42,427 --> 00:32:45,296 Now, we're back with the marathon for incontinence once again. 429 00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:46,931 There's Polinski of Poland in the lead, 430 00:32:47,032 --> 00:32:49,266 and now, Brewer of Australia has taken over. 431 00:32:49,368 --> 00:32:52,103 Brewer has overtaken him, but he's gone to spend a penny 432 00:32:52,204 --> 00:32:54,505 There goes Burt to spend a penny and there goes Gurdich of Austria, 433 00:32:54,606 --> 00:32:58,809 And so now it's Alvarez of Cuba, followed by the plucky Norwegian Borg. 434 00:32:58,910 --> 00:33:00,978 They're in and out like yo-yo's, boys! And there's MacDonald! 435 00:33:01,079 --> 00:33:03,047 MacDonald is coming back, but he can't hold... Here's Immacuvich. 436 00:33:03,181 --> 00:33:06,450 Immacuvich of Yugoslavia is making it... and he can't hold it either. 437 00:33:06,551 --> 00:33:08,719 Well, well, these must be some of the weakest bladders 438 00:33:08,820 --> 00:33:10,421 ever to represent their countries. 439 00:33:10,522 --> 00:33:13,424 And now, let's have a look back at what's going on down on the stage. 440 00:33:24,202 --> 00:33:26,170 - Mr Anchovy. - Hello. 441 00:33:26,271 --> 00:33:27,338 - Do sit down. - Thank you. 442 00:33:27,439 --> 00:33:30,174 - Take the weight of the feet, eh? - Yes, yes, yes. 443 00:33:30,275 --> 00:33:32,143 Lovely weather for the time of year, eh? 444 00:33:32,411 --> 00:33:35,179 Enough of this gay banter. 445 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:37,715 Now I understand you asked us to advise you 446 00:33:37,816 --> 00:33:42,286 what was the best job in life, as your profession. 447 00:33:42,654 --> 00:33:44,455 - That is correct. - Right. 448 00:33:44,556 --> 00:33:48,559 Now I have the results here of the interviews, the aptitude test that you did last week 449 00:33:48,660 --> 00:33:51,829 and I think we've managed to build up a pretty clear picture 450 00:33:51,930 --> 00:33:53,564 of the sort of person you are. 451 00:33:53,665 --> 00:33:55,700 I think I can say without fear of contradiction 452 00:33:55,801 --> 00:33:59,203 that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy. 453 00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:02,907 But I am a chartered accountant. 454 00:34:03,108 --> 00:34:06,477 Good for you. Well back to the office then. Well done. 455 00:34:06,578 --> 00:34:09,714 No, you don't understand. I've been a chartered accountant for 20 years. 456 00:34:09,815 --> 00:34:11,449 I want a new job. 457 00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:14,819 Something exciting that will let me live. 458 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,688 Accountancy is quite exciting, isn't it? 459 00:34:17,956 --> 00:34:20,257 Exciting? No it's not. 460 00:34:20,358 --> 00:34:22,760 It's dull, dull, dull. 461 00:34:22,861 --> 00:34:24,595 My God it's dull. 462 00:34:24,696 --> 00:34:26,297 It's deadly dull, 463 00:34:26,398 --> 00:34:29,700 and tedious and boring and stuffy 464 00:34:29,801 --> 00:34:31,235 and desperately dull. 465 00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:34,438 Yes, Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that 466 00:34:34,539 --> 00:34:37,875 you are an extremely dull fellow. 467 00:34:37,976 --> 00:34:41,378 Our experts describe you as appallingly dull, 468 00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:44,515 unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, 469 00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:47,251 spineless, easily dominated, 470 00:34:47,352 --> 00:34:49,887 no sense of humour, tedious company 471 00:34:49,988 --> 00:34:53,591 and irrepressibly drab and awful. 472 00:34:53,692 --> 00:34:57,895 And whereas in other professions these would be considerable drawbacks, 473 00:34:57,996 --> 00:35:00,598 in chartered accountancy they're a positive boon. 474 00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:04,335 But I came here to find a new job, a new life, 475 00:35:04,436 --> 00:35:06,971 a new meaning to my existence. 476 00:35:07,072 --> 00:35:08,305 Can't you help me? 477 00:35:08,406 --> 00:35:11,208 Well do you have any idea what you want to do? 478 00:35:11,276 --> 00:35:12,343 Yes I have. 479 00:35:13,478 --> 00:35:15,279 Lion taming. 480 00:35:16,948 --> 00:35:17,982 Lion taming? 481 00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:20,751 Yes, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it? 482 00:35:20,852 --> 00:35:23,587 You know, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go, 483 00:35:23,688 --> 00:35:27,057 you don't think it might be better to work your way towards lion taming? 484 00:35:27,159 --> 00:35:29,093 Say, via insurance or something like that? 485 00:35:29,194 --> 00:35:30,561 - No, no. - No? 486 00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:32,830 I don't want to wait. Nine o'clock tomorrow, 487 00:35:32,931 --> 00:35:35,332 I want to be in there, taming. 488 00:35:35,433 --> 00:35:38,602 Yes, but do you have any qualifications? 489 00:35:39,171 --> 00:35:40,204 I've got a hat. 490 00:35:40,305 --> 00:35:42,106 - A hat? - Yeah, a hat. 491 00:35:42,207 --> 00:35:44,208 A lion tamer's hat. 492 00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:46,911 A hat with "Lion Tamer" written on it. I bought it at Harrods. 493 00:35:47,546 --> 00:35:48,579 - I see. - Yeah, yeah. 494 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,882 It lights up at night saying "Lion Tamer" in big red neon letters, 495 00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:53,551 so you can tame them after dark, 496 00:35:53,652 --> 00:35:54,985 - when they're less stroppy. - Yes, yes. 497 00:35:55,086 --> 00:35:56,687 And during the day you can turn it off 498 00:35:56,788 --> 00:35:59,824 and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses 499 00:35:59,925 --> 00:36:02,760 - under paragraph 335 B... - Mr Anchovy, 500 00:36:02,861 --> 00:36:05,296 if I now ring up Bertram Mills and say, 501 00:36:05,397 --> 00:36:08,332 "Look, I've got a 45 year old chartered accountant here 502 00:36:08,433 --> 00:36:10,201 "who wants to become a lion tamer." 503 00:36:10,302 --> 00:36:14,805 Their first question is not going to be, "Does he have his own hat?" 504 00:36:15,540 --> 00:36:19,476 You see, they're more likely to ask about your experience with lions. 505 00:36:19,578 --> 00:36:22,246 Well, I've seen them at the zoo. 506 00:36:22,347 --> 00:36:23,714 Yes, well that's a start. 507 00:36:23,815 --> 00:36:26,217 Yes, small brown furry creature, with short stumpy legs 508 00:36:26,318 --> 00:36:28,586 and great long curved noses. 509 00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:31,121 I don't know what all the fuss is about. I could tame one of those. 510 00:36:31,323 --> 00:36:32,723 They look pretty tame to start with. 511 00:36:32,824 --> 00:36:34,658 Now these, these lions of yours, 512 00:36:34,759 --> 00:36:36,694 how tall are they? 513 00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,898 Well, about so high. They don't frighten me. 514 00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:43,834 And do they, by any chance, eat ants? 515 00:36:43,902 --> 00:36:44,902 Got it. 516 00:36:45,003 --> 00:36:49,173 Well, I think what you've got there, Mr Anchovy, is an anteater, not a lion. 517 00:36:49,274 --> 00:36:51,342 - What? - You see a lion is a huge savage brute, 518 00:36:51,443 --> 00:36:55,112 about five feet tall, ten feet long, weighing about 500 pounds. 519 00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:56,914 They run 40 miles an hour 520 00:36:57,015 --> 00:37:00,351 and they have huge, very sharp pointed teeth, 521 00:37:00,452 --> 00:37:03,087 and nasty vicious razor sharp claws 522 00:37:03,188 --> 00:37:06,357 that could rip your belly open before you could say Jack Robinson, 523 00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:07,958 and they look like this. 524 00:37:12,631 --> 00:37:13,731 Shit. 525 00:37:19,237 --> 00:37:21,105 Actually I quite like your idea perhaps, 526 00:37:21,206 --> 00:37:24,475 of making the transition to lion taming via easier stages. 527 00:37:25,410 --> 00:37:28,579 - You know, maybe via insurance. - Or banking. 528 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:29,947 - Banking. - Banking. 529 00:37:30,048 --> 00:37:31,382 Oh, Banking. There's a man's life. 530 00:37:31,716 --> 00:37:34,385 Banking, travel, excitement, adventure, 531 00:37:34,486 --> 00:37:36,220 decisions affecting people's lives. 532 00:37:36,321 --> 00:37:37,955 So, shall I call the bank? 533 00:37:38,657 --> 00:37:39,924 - Yeah. - Yes? 534 00:37:40,058 --> 00:37:43,294 No, no, no. No look, just give me a couple of weeks to think about it, 535 00:37:43,395 --> 00:37:46,397 because it's a big, it is a big decision. Maybe I'll just... 536 00:37:46,498 --> 00:37:47,898 - Or maybe three weeks. - Give it a month. 537 00:37:47,999 --> 00:37:49,733 - A month. Yeah. - Give it a month. 538 00:37:52,337 --> 00:37:54,238 Well, can I tell you something? 539 00:37:55,507 --> 00:37:56,507 Yes? 540 00:37:56,908 --> 00:37:59,443 I never really wanted to be a lion tamer. 541 00:38:04,082 --> 00:38:06,784 I wanted to be... 542 00:38:06,885 --> 00:38:08,085 A systems analyst. 543 00:38:08,286 --> 00:38:10,321 Systems... 544 00:38:10,422 --> 00:38:13,190 And then I got this postcard from my Auntie in Canada 545 00:38:13,325 --> 00:38:14,325 and it looked wonderful. 546 00:38:14,426 --> 00:38:17,227 I realised the one thing I wanted was to be a lumberjack. 547 00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:24,868 Leaping from tree to tree 548 00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,338 As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia 549 00:38:27,605 --> 00:38:29,540 The giant Redwood 550 00:38:29,607 --> 00:38:31,008 The Larch 551 00:38:31,743 --> 00:38:34,311 The mighty Scots Pine 552 00:38:34,412 --> 00:38:36,880 With my best girl by my side 553 00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:40,217 We'd sing, sing, sing 554 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:43,387 Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay 555 00:38:43,488 --> 00:38:46,023 I sleep all night and I work all day 556 00:38:46,391 --> 00:38:48,959 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 557 00:38:49,127 --> 00:38:51,495 He sleeps all night and he works all day 558 00:38:51,730 --> 00:38:56,867 I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory 559 00:38:57,068 --> 00:38:59,370 On Wednesdays I go shopping 560 00:38:59,471 --> 00:39:02,439 And have buttered scones for tea 561 00:39:02,540 --> 00:39:05,409 He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch 562 00:39:05,510 --> 00:39:07,678 He goes to the lavatory 563 00:39:07,846 --> 00:39:10,414 On Wednesdays he goes shopping 564 00:39:10,548 --> 00:39:13,484 And has buttered scones for tea 565 00:39:14,119 --> 00:39:16,420 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 566 00:39:16,554 --> 00:39:19,423 He sleeps all night and he works all day 567 00:39:19,557 --> 00:39:22,126 I cut down trees, I skip and jump 568 00:39:22,227 --> 00:39:24,561 I like to press wild flowers 569 00:39:25,063 --> 00:39:27,264 I put on women's clothing 570 00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:30,734 And hang around in bars 571 00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:33,270 He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps 572 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,806 He likes to press wild flowers 573 00:39:35,940 --> 00:39:38,142 He puts on women's clothing 574 00:39:38,510 --> 00:39:40,778 And hangs around in bars? 575 00:39:42,347 --> 00:39:44,648 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 576 00:39:44,949 --> 00:39:47,418 He sleeps all night and he works all day 577 00:39:47,685 --> 00:39:50,320 I cut down trees, I wear high heels 578 00:39:50,422 --> 00:39:52,656 Suspendies and a bra 579 00:39:52,991 --> 00:39:55,325 I wish I'd been a girlie 580 00:39:55,427 --> 00:39:57,895 Just like my dear Papa 581 00:39:58,763 --> 00:40:01,365 He cuts down trees, he wears high heels 582 00:40:01,533 --> 00:40:03,767 Suspendies and a bra? 583 00:40:03,868 --> 00:40:05,102 Disgusting. 584 00:40:08,173 --> 00:40:09,740 Oh Bevis! 585 00:40:09,841 --> 00:40:12,676 And I thought you were so butch. 586 00:40:13,878 --> 00:40:16,413 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 587 00:40:16,514 --> 00:40:18,949 He sleeps all night and he works all day 588 00:40:19,317 --> 00:40:22,219 He's a lumberjack and he's okay 589 00:40:38,670 --> 00:40:41,305 He sleeps all night and he works all day 590 00:41:15,106 --> 00:41:16,240 Yeah. 591 00:41:19,377 --> 00:41:20,544 Yes. 592 00:41:22,413 --> 00:41:27,050 Charles Atlas, with his world's most perfectly developed body. 593 00:41:27,452 --> 00:41:29,286 Tired of being pushed around? 594 00:41:29,387 --> 00:41:32,222 Would you like to do some pushing around instead? 595 00:41:32,323 --> 00:41:35,192 Would you like a body that can't fail to attract women? 596 00:41:37,228 --> 00:41:39,229 To be the envy of other men? 597 00:41:39,330 --> 00:41:41,965 I must get one of those. 598 00:41:42,066 --> 00:41:47,471 Just give me your skinny, scrawny little body for just 15 minutes a day. 599 00:41:47,772 --> 00:41:50,207 I've heard that one before, ducky. 600 00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:55,212 With these, you'll have 50 pounds of He-Man muscles on you. 601 00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:57,447 Thick herculean arms, 602 00:41:57,549 --> 00:41:59,183 a deep massive chest, 603 00:41:59,284 --> 00:42:00,551 atomic powered legs, 604 00:42:00,652 --> 00:42:02,553 shoulders a yard wide 605 00:42:02,654 --> 00:42:05,756 and right in the privacy of your own home. 606 00:42:08,660 --> 00:42:10,260 What's my secret? 607 00:42:10,361 --> 00:42:12,296 It's dynamo tension. 608 00:42:12,397 --> 00:42:16,366 Muscles pulling against muscles, the natural way. 609 00:42:19,604 --> 00:42:21,371 Here's living proof. 610 00:42:21,472 --> 00:42:23,507 And there's no need to stop there. 611 00:42:28,313 --> 00:42:29,980 So, don't delay. 612 00:42:30,148 --> 00:42:35,219 Send today for my gigantic, free, 78 page muscle building course. 613 00:42:36,854 --> 00:42:38,222 Postman. 614 00:42:40,992 --> 00:42:44,728 And start building a body you can be proud of. 615 00:42:48,766 --> 00:42:50,033 Yes. 616 00:43:01,679 --> 00:43:02,679 Yes. 617 00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:07,618 Good afternoon and welcome to a packed Olympic Stadium in Munich 618 00:43:07,719 --> 00:43:11,521 for the second leg of this exciting final of International Philosophy. 619 00:43:11,623 --> 00:43:14,224 And over to your commentator, Juan Stoppa. 620 00:43:14,325 --> 00:43:17,628 And here come the Germans now, led by the skipper "Nobby" Hegel. 621 00:43:17,729 --> 00:43:19,763 They must start favourites this afternoon. 622 00:43:19,864 --> 00:43:21,765 They've certainly attracted the most attention from the press 623 00:43:21,866 --> 00:43:23,233 with their team problems. 624 00:43:23,334 --> 00:43:25,235 And let's now see their line-up. 625 00:43:25,870 --> 00:43:28,538 The Germans playing 4-2-4. Leibniz in goal. 626 00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:31,208 Back four, Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling. 627 00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:33,877 Front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and Heidegger, 628 00:43:33,978 --> 00:43:36,546 and the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers. 629 00:43:36,648 --> 00:43:39,116 Beckenbauer, obviously, a bit of a surprise there. 630 00:43:41,386 --> 00:43:44,855 And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre half Heraclitus. 631 00:43:44,956 --> 00:43:47,991 Let's look at their team. As you'd expect it's a much more defensive line up. 632 00:43:48,092 --> 00:43:51,695 Plato's in goal. Socrates a front runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper. 633 00:43:51,796 --> 00:43:54,231 Aristotle very much the man in form. 634 00:43:54,332 --> 00:43:57,034 One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes. 635 00:44:00,571 --> 00:44:02,839 Well, here comes the referee, Kung Fu Tsu Confucius 636 00:44:02,940 --> 00:44:05,976 and his two linesmen St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas. 637 00:44:06,077 --> 00:44:09,379 And as the two skippers come together to shake hands 638 00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,448 we're ready for the start of this very exciting final. 639 00:44:11,549 --> 00:44:13,850 The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand... 640 00:44:15,720 --> 00:44:16,887 And, they're off. 641 00:44:16,988 --> 00:44:19,089 Nietzsche and Hegel there. 642 00:44:19,190 --> 00:44:23,293 Carl Jaspers number seven on the outside. Wittgenstein there with him. 643 00:44:23,394 --> 00:44:24,995 There's Beckenbauer. 644 00:44:25,096 --> 00:44:27,364 Schelling's in there. Heidegger covering. 645 00:44:27,465 --> 00:44:29,299 Schopenhauer. 646 00:44:29,400 --> 00:44:32,703 And now it's the Greeks. Epicurus, Plotinus number six. 647 00:44:32,770 --> 00:44:33,804 Aristotle. 648 00:44:33,905 --> 00:44:36,740 Empedocles of Acragas, and Democratus with him. 649 00:44:36,841 --> 00:44:38,375 There's Archimedes. 650 00:44:38,476 --> 00:44:41,144 Socrates, there he is, Socrates. 651 00:44:42,180 --> 00:44:44,614 Socrates there, going through. 652 00:44:46,284 --> 00:44:48,385 There's the ball. There's the ball. 653 00:44:48,486 --> 00:44:52,289 And Nietzsche there. Nietzsche, number ten in this German side. 654 00:44:53,925 --> 00:44:55,859 Kant moving up on the outside. 655 00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:56,960 Schlegel's on the left. 656 00:44:57,061 --> 00:44:59,563 The Germans moving very well in these opening moments. 657 00:44:59,731 --> 00:45:00,797 Well, there you are. 658 00:45:00,898 --> 00:45:03,500 And we'll be returning to the match sometime in the second half, 659 00:45:03,601 --> 00:45:05,402 but right now it's time for... 660 00:45:05,470 --> 00:45:06,470 Philosophy. 661 00:45:08,573 --> 00:45:10,273 Hello there. How you doing? 662 00:45:11,809 --> 00:45:14,177 How are you? How you doing? 663 00:45:14,278 --> 00:45:16,980 - G'day, Bruce. - G'day, Bruce. 664 00:45:17,148 --> 00:45:19,116 G'day ladies and Bruces. 665 00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,585 It's very nice to be here in the Oz arena. 666 00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:23,954 O2, mate. It's a two. 667 00:45:24,122 --> 00:45:25,589 I'm sorry, mate. Thank you very much. 668 00:45:25,690 --> 00:45:26,857 - So patriotic. - Sorry. 669 00:45:27,024 --> 00:45:31,661 We're all philosophy professors from the University of Woolamaloo, Australia. 670 00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:35,031 Australia, Australia, Australia. 671 00:45:35,099 --> 00:45:36,400 We love you. 672 00:45:36,501 --> 00:45:38,769 I teach Hegelian philosophy. 673 00:45:38,870 --> 00:45:41,438 Bruce here teaches Aristotelian philosophy. 674 00:45:41,539 --> 00:45:44,141 And Bruce here teaches classical philosophy 675 00:45:44,442 --> 00:45:47,511 and all of these other Bruces are in charge of the sheep dip. 676 00:45:48,079 --> 00:45:50,480 Sheep, sheep, sheep, we love you. 677 00:45:51,215 --> 00:45:52,249 This is the wattle, 678 00:45:52,350 --> 00:45:53,784 the emblem of our land. 679 00:45:54,085 --> 00:45:55,886 You can stick it in a bottle, 680 00:45:55,987 --> 00:45:57,421 you can hold it in your hand. 681 00:45:57,555 --> 00:45:58,822 - Amen. - Amen, amen. 682 00:45:59,357 --> 00:46:01,224 Bloody thirsty work this, Bruce, I think I'll get... 683 00:46:01,325 --> 00:46:02,626 - Why don't you have a chilly then, mate. - Yeah, I think I... 684 00:46:02,727 --> 00:46:05,796 In fact they look a bit thirsty there. Look like they could use a drink. 685 00:46:05,930 --> 00:46:07,063 Throw them a drink out there, mate. 686 00:46:07,165 --> 00:46:08,265 - Throw them some of... - Are you thirsty? 687 00:46:08,366 --> 00:46:09,733 - Good old Australian beer. - Who's going to... 688 00:46:09,834 --> 00:46:10,901 Throw them out, yeah. 689 00:46:11,002 --> 00:46:13,370 Chuck them, mate. Chuck them. Good, there. 690 00:46:13,471 --> 00:46:16,006 Now the reason we do this, ladies and Bruces 691 00:46:16,441 --> 00:46:18,208 is we find over here, 692 00:46:18,309 --> 00:46:19,576 your English beer 693 00:46:19,977 --> 00:46:22,479 is a little like making love in a canoe. 694 00:46:22,547 --> 00:46:23,713 How's that at? 695 00:46:23,815 --> 00:46:25,849 It's fucking close to water. 696 00:46:25,917 --> 00:46:26,917 I love it! 697 00:46:29,220 --> 00:46:31,321 - Good evening. - Good evening, dickhead. 698 00:46:31,622 --> 00:46:33,590 - How are you, Punk Bruce? - I'm good. 699 00:46:33,691 --> 00:46:36,259 Now Punk Bruce here has brought on guest Bruce, 700 00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:40,230 who tonight has agreed to dress like a prat for charity. 701 00:46:40,364 --> 00:46:41,431 Oh, right. 702 00:46:41,532 --> 00:46:43,200 So what's your name, Bruce? 703 00:46:43,401 --> 00:46:45,502 My name is Roger. 704 00:46:45,603 --> 00:46:46,770 - Roger? - Roger McGough. 705 00:46:47,071 --> 00:46:48,839 You're fucking Eddie Izzard, aren't you? 706 00:46:49,207 --> 00:46:51,741 I'm him on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. 707 00:46:59,083 --> 00:47:00,884 Yeah, he's in disguise tonight. 708 00:47:01,219 --> 00:47:03,487 And what's your charity, Bruce? 709 00:47:03,621 --> 00:47:06,223 My charity, Bruce, I'm raising money, 710 00:47:06,324 --> 00:47:09,860 or I've been giving money to the Monty Python Retirement Fund. 711 00:47:10,061 --> 00:47:12,429 - Yeah. - Excellent. Right... Thank you. 712 00:47:12,530 --> 00:47:13,563 And so for... 713 00:47:13,731 --> 00:47:15,432 Hey Bruce, leave him alone. 714 00:47:15,533 --> 00:47:17,200 You randy little kanga. 715 00:47:17,301 --> 00:47:18,869 - It's all right. - Sorry about that, Bruce. 716 00:47:18,970 --> 00:47:20,170 Have you got another monologue or... 717 00:47:20,271 --> 00:47:24,508 No, no, I'll just say I've paid 40 million Australian dollars to do this, so... 718 00:47:24,609 --> 00:47:26,243 - Okay, very nice indeed. - Cheque's in the post. 719 00:47:26,344 --> 00:47:27,577 Thank you, Bruce. 720 00:47:27,678 --> 00:47:29,779 Right, I'm sorry about our marsupials, 721 00:47:29,881 --> 00:47:32,616 they shag worse than a bloody carpet, some of them. 722 00:47:32,717 --> 00:47:35,919 Anyway, let's try and raise the chain a little 723 00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:38,755 by singing a little intellectual song. Are you ready? 724 00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:39,923 Good idea, Bruce. 725 00:47:42,927 --> 00:47:45,462 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant 726 00:47:45,563 --> 00:47:47,931 Who was very rarely stable 727 00:47:48,065 --> 00:47:51,101 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar 728 00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:53,803 Who could think you under the table 729 00:47:54,472 --> 00:47:56,706 David Hume could out-consume 730 00:47:56,908 --> 00:47:59,175 Schopenhauer and Hegel 731 00:47:59,844 --> 00:48:02,679 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine 732 00:48:02,780 --> 00:48:05,582 Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel 733 00:48:05,716 --> 00:48:07,484 Hang on a second, Bruces, hang on. 734 00:48:07,585 --> 00:48:10,654 I think this lot are in a bit of a playful mood, this crowd here. 735 00:48:10,755 --> 00:48:12,055 - Yeah, I think they're... - Yeah. 736 00:48:16,227 --> 00:48:18,028 - Pissed as parrots half of them. - Yeah. 737 00:48:18,129 --> 00:48:21,197 And I bet some of them have been smoking their home-grown English little wacky weed. 738 00:48:21,666 --> 00:48:23,366 Yeah, they might as well smoke daffodils, mate. 739 00:48:23,467 --> 00:48:24,501 Might as well, mate. 740 00:48:24,602 --> 00:48:26,436 How do you tell an English batsman? 741 00:48:26,938 --> 00:48:28,371 They're the ones in the pavilion. 742 00:48:31,876 --> 00:48:33,343 Did you hear about the pommy bastard 743 00:48:33,444 --> 00:48:35,545 that took Viagra instead of his sleeping pill? 744 00:48:35,646 --> 00:48:37,180 No, what happened? 745 00:48:37,782 --> 00:48:39,349 He ended up having 40 wanks! 746 00:48:42,186 --> 00:48:43,486 - I love Aussie humour. - Right. 747 00:48:43,588 --> 00:48:45,488 Well, why don't you guys give us a bit of a hand 748 00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:47,490 and we'll sing along to this one, right? Feel like that? 749 00:48:50,061 --> 00:48:51,828 I've got the words here. They're in my pocket. 750 00:48:51,929 --> 00:48:53,863 I'll just... It's a bit tight down there. 751 00:48:54,298 --> 00:48:55,498 That's not it. 752 00:48:56,367 --> 00:48:58,301 - Don't pull that out, Bruce. - Here we are. 753 00:48:58,402 --> 00:49:00,503 Here we are. Got them all written out in my own fair hand. 754 00:49:00,605 --> 00:49:03,540 - So I'll make it easy for you. - All right, so here we go. 755 00:49:03,608 --> 00:49:04,608 All right? 756 00:49:07,011 --> 00:49:09,346 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant 757 00:49:09,680 --> 00:49:12,048 Who was very rarely stable 758 00:49:12,183 --> 00:49:15,552 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could... 759 00:49:15,720 --> 00:49:16,853 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 760 00:49:16,954 --> 00:49:18,288 It's not working, Bruce. 761 00:49:18,389 --> 00:49:20,657 - I think it's my handwriting, Bruce. - Maybe it is. 762 00:49:20,925 --> 00:49:23,026 They're a typical O2 audience, Bruce. 763 00:49:23,127 --> 00:49:25,028 They don't know whether to titter or twitter. 764 00:49:27,231 --> 00:49:30,000 - Left my mobile on vibrate. - Oh dear. 765 00:49:30,101 --> 00:49:31,167 That's funny, Bruce. 766 00:49:31,469 --> 00:49:34,971 My Sheila has a vibrator which she can switch on to phone. 767 00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:40,877 Think about it. Thank you very much. 768 00:49:42,179 --> 00:49:43,747 Doesn't know if she's coming or going. 769 00:49:45,683 --> 00:49:46,783 Disgusting. 770 00:49:46,884 --> 00:49:49,386 - Let's raise the tone. - Now, have we got anything. 771 00:49:49,487 --> 00:49:51,321 Punk Bruce, can you give us a hand? 772 00:49:51,422 --> 00:49:52,956 I can give her a hand here. 773 00:49:54,392 --> 00:49:55,792 Stop that, Bruce. You. 774 00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:57,027 Straight off. Off. 775 00:49:57,194 --> 00:49:58,728 - Go on, fuck off. - Get off her, mate. 776 00:49:59,897 --> 00:50:02,899 Fuck off to Barcelona and bite Luis Suárez. 777 00:50:04,201 --> 00:50:05,835 Now, Punk Bruce, 778 00:50:05,936 --> 00:50:09,639 have you got anything to help us put the words up for these poor people? 779 00:50:09,740 --> 00:50:11,508 - How's that, Bruce? - Yeah. 780 00:50:12,476 --> 00:50:13,643 - Now you can see that. - Very nice. 781 00:50:13,878 --> 00:50:16,880 Very good. All right, now we've got no excuse, all right? 782 00:50:17,181 --> 00:50:19,449 - Let's hear you. - It's almost the intermission, so here we go. 783 00:50:22,553 --> 00:50:25,355 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant 784 00:50:25,456 --> 00:50:27,891 Who was very rarely stable 785 00:50:27,992 --> 00:50:30,994 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar 786 00:50:31,095 --> 00:50:33,997 Who could think you under the table 787 00:50:34,331 --> 00:50:36,700 David Hume could out-consume 788 00:50:36,834 --> 00:50:39,269 Schopenhauer and Hegel 789 00:50:39,503 --> 00:50:42,505 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine 790 00:50:42,606 --> 00:50:45,575 Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel 791 00:50:46,243 --> 00:50:48,912 There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach you 792 00:50:49,013 --> 00:50:52,115 About the raising of the wrist 793 00:50:52,483 --> 00:50:58,722 Socrates himself was permanently pissed 794 00:50:59,557 --> 00:51:01,991 John Stuart Mill of his own free will 795 00:51:02,093 --> 00:51:04,894 On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill 796 00:51:05,062 --> 00:51:07,797 Plato they say could stick it away 797 00:51:07,898 --> 00:51:10,133 Half a crate of whisky every day 798 00:51:10,568 --> 00:51:13,269 Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle 799 00:51:13,471 --> 00:51:15,405 Hobbes was fond of his dram 800 00:51:16,140 --> 00:51:18,808 And René Descartes was a drunken fart 801 00:51:18,943 --> 00:51:21,811 "I drink therefore I am" 802 00:51:22,513 --> 00:51:28,852 Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed 803 00:51:29,286 --> 00:51:32,822 A lovely little thinker But a bugger when he's pissed 804 00:51:35,025 --> 00:51:36,626 Thank you. You're brilliant. 805 00:51:37,294 --> 00:51:38,595 You're brilliant. 806 00:51:52,543 --> 00:51:55,044 Well right now we're going back to the Olympic Stadium 807 00:51:55,146 --> 00:51:57,413 for the closing minutes of the Philosophy final 808 00:51:57,515 --> 00:51:59,816 and I understand that there's still no score. 809 00:52:00,818 --> 00:52:04,087 Well there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. 810 00:52:04,188 --> 00:52:07,690 As you can see Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. 811 00:52:07,792 --> 00:52:12,195 He accused Confucius of having no free will and Confucius he say, "Name go in book." 812 00:52:12,329 --> 00:52:15,131 And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games. 813 00:52:16,734 --> 00:52:19,869 And who's that? It's Karl Marx. Karl Marx is warming up. 814 00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,139 It looks as though there's going to be a substitution on the German side. 815 00:52:23,274 --> 00:52:26,976 Obviously, manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack, 816 00:52:27,077 --> 00:52:29,846 as indeed he must, with only two minutes of the match to go. 817 00:52:29,947 --> 00:52:31,848 And the big question is, who is he going to replace? 818 00:52:31,949 --> 00:52:34,818 Who's going to come off? It could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer, 819 00:52:34,919 --> 00:52:35,919 but it's Wittgenstein. 820 00:52:36,020 --> 00:52:37,654 Wittgenstein who saw his Auntie only last week. 821 00:52:37,755 --> 00:52:41,024 And here's Marx. Let's see if he can put some life into this German attack. 822 00:52:41,091 --> 00:52:42,292 Evidently not. 823 00:52:42,359 --> 00:52:43,459 Honestly. 824 00:52:43,561 --> 00:52:45,195 Well now, with just over a minute left 825 00:52:45,296 --> 00:52:47,330 a replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital, 826 00:52:47,431 --> 00:52:50,133 and there's Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea. 827 00:52:50,201 --> 00:52:51,901 Eureka! 828 00:52:53,637 --> 00:52:57,140 Archimedes out to Socrates. Socrates back to Archimedes. 829 00:52:57,241 --> 00:52:59,709 Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel. 830 00:52:59,810 --> 00:53:01,144 Heraclitus has a little flick. 831 00:53:01,245 --> 00:53:02,579 Here he comes, on the far post. 832 00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:04,380 Socrates is there. Socrates heads it in! 833 00:53:04,481 --> 00:53:05,915 Socrates has scored, 834 00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:07,951 the Greeks are going mad. 835 00:53:08,052 --> 00:53:09,519 The Greeks are going mad, Socrates scores. 836 00:53:09,620 --> 00:53:12,088 Got a beautiful cross from Archimedes, the Germans are disputing it. 837 00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:16,659 Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics. 838 00:53:16,794 --> 00:53:18,294 Kant, via the categorical imperative, 839 00:53:18,395 --> 00:53:20,797 is holding that ontologically, it exists only in the imagination, 840 00:53:20,898 --> 00:53:22,599 and Marx is claiming it was offside. 841 00:53:22,700 --> 00:53:24,767 But Confucius has answered them with the final whistle. 842 00:53:24,902 --> 00:53:26,202 It's all over. 843 00:53:26,303 --> 00:53:28,738 Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield trio 844 00:53:28,839 --> 00:53:31,875 of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semi final, have been beaten by the odd goal. 845 00:53:31,976 --> 00:53:33,309 And let's see it again. 846 00:53:34,778 --> 00:53:36,312 There it is. Socrates. 847 00:53:36,413 --> 00:53:38,781 Socrates heads it and Leibniz doesn't have a chance. 848 00:53:38,883 --> 00:53:41,384 And just look at those delighted Greeks. 849 00:53:41,485 --> 00:53:43,519 There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles. 850 00:53:43,621 --> 00:53:46,623 Empedocles of Acragas. What a game he had. 851 00:53:46,724 --> 00:53:49,325 And Epicurus is there, and Socrates, 852 00:53:49,426 --> 00:53:53,129 the captain, who scored what was probably the most important goal of his career. 853 00:54:03,874 --> 00:54:05,308 - Mr Hilton. - Yes. 854 00:54:05,409 --> 00:54:08,878 You are sole owner and proprietor of the Whizzo Chocolate company? 855 00:54:08,946 --> 00:54:09,913 I am. 856 00:54:10,014 --> 00:54:13,483 Constable Parrot and I are from the Scotland Yard Hygiene Squad. 857 00:54:13,550 --> 00:54:14,584 Oh yes? 858 00:54:14,685 --> 00:54:18,154 Want to have a word with you about this box of chocolates you manufacture 859 00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:20,256 called the Whizzo Quality Assortment. 860 00:54:20,524 --> 00:54:21,691 Good, yes. 861 00:54:21,792 --> 00:54:23,660 If I could begin at the beginning. 862 00:54:23,761 --> 00:54:26,763 Number one is cherry fondue. 863 00:54:26,864 --> 00:54:29,799 Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. 864 00:54:29,900 --> 00:54:30,900 Agreed. 865 00:54:31,068 --> 00:54:33,469 Next, we have crunchy frog. 866 00:54:34,338 --> 00:54:35,371 Yes? 867 00:54:35,472 --> 00:54:37,640 Well, am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here? 868 00:54:37,741 --> 00:54:39,409 Yes, a little one. 869 00:54:40,244 --> 00:54:41,477 Is it cooked? 870 00:54:41,612 --> 00:54:43,513 - No. - What? A raw frog? 871 00:54:43,847 --> 00:54:46,616 We use only the finest baby frogs, 872 00:54:46,717 --> 00:54:49,285 dew-picked and flown from Swaziland. 873 00:54:49,386 --> 00:54:51,788 Cleansed in the finest quality spring water, 874 00:54:51,889 --> 00:54:56,125 lightly killed and sealed in a treble milk chocolate envelope 875 00:54:56,226 --> 00:54:58,194 and lovingly frosted with glucose. 876 00:54:58,329 --> 00:55:00,930 That's as maybe, it's still a frog. 877 00:55:01,031 --> 00:55:02,031 Well what else would it be? 878 00:55:02,132 --> 00:55:04,100 Well don't you even take the bones out? 879 00:55:05,002 --> 00:55:07,770 If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it? 880 00:55:09,073 --> 00:55:10,873 Constable Parrot ate one of those. 881 00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:12,275 Would you excuse me a moment, sir? 882 00:55:12,376 --> 00:55:14,444 Not right at the moment... 883 00:55:46,043 --> 00:55:48,878 Why didn't you say why you wanted to be excused? 884 00:55:51,315 --> 00:55:53,516 It says "crunchy frog" quite clearly. 885 00:55:53,617 --> 00:55:55,585 Well, people won't expect there to be a frog in here. 886 00:55:55,686 --> 00:55:58,187 They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog. 887 00:55:58,288 --> 00:55:59,322 Mock frog? 888 00:55:59,423 --> 00:56:03,026 We use no artificial additives or preservatives of any kind. 889 00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:06,963 In future though, you will replace the description "crunchy frog" 890 00:56:07,064 --> 00:56:10,967 with the words "crunchy, raw, unboned, uncooked, real, dead frog," 891 00:56:11,068 --> 00:56:12,702 if you want to avoid prosecution. 892 00:56:12,803 --> 00:56:13,970 What about our sales? 893 00:56:14,104 --> 00:56:16,406 Fuck your sales, we have to protect the general public. 894 00:56:16,507 --> 00:56:17,607 Now what's this one? 895 00:56:17,708 --> 00:56:20,676 Number five, ram's bladder cup. 896 00:56:20,978 --> 00:56:24,714 We use choice juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder. 897 00:56:25,182 --> 00:56:28,551 Emptied, steamed and flavoured with sesame seeds, 898 00:56:28,652 --> 00:56:31,721 whipped into a fondue and garnished with mouse poo. 899 00:56:32,589 --> 00:56:34,190 Mouse poo? 900 00:56:34,825 --> 00:56:37,493 It doesn't say anything about mouse poo on the box. 901 00:56:37,728 --> 00:56:39,395 Yes it does, on the bottom of the box, 902 00:56:39,563 --> 00:56:42,365 after monosodium glutamate. 903 00:56:42,466 --> 00:56:43,800 Well, this is hardly good enough. 904 00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:47,103 In future you must put on this box a large red sticker with the words, 905 00:56:47,204 --> 00:56:49,472 "Warning, contains mouse poo." 906 00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:51,307 Our sales would plummet. 907 00:56:51,475 --> 00:56:55,478 Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary, 908 00:56:55,579 --> 00:56:58,981 like lime cream or strawberry delight? 909 00:56:59,616 --> 00:57:01,384 I mean, look at this lot. 910 00:57:02,619 --> 00:57:04,454 Anthrax ripple. 911 00:57:04,555 --> 00:57:06,722 Cockroach cluster. 912 00:57:06,824 --> 00:57:07,924 Flip... 913 00:57:17,935 --> 00:57:19,202 Take the box. 914 00:57:19,303 --> 00:57:20,336 - Take the box. - No. 915 00:57:20,604 --> 00:57:21,771 Take it. 916 00:57:28,512 --> 00:57:31,380 And what's this one? Spring surprise. 917 00:57:31,482 --> 00:57:33,449 That's our speciality. 918 00:57:33,550 --> 00:57:36,486 Covered in darkest rich smooth chocolate. 919 00:57:36,587 --> 00:57:37,954 When you pop it into your mouth, 920 00:57:38,055 --> 00:57:41,958 stainless steel bolts spring out and punch straight through both cheeks. 921 00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:44,760 Well, where's the pleasure in that? 922 00:57:48,398 --> 00:57:50,566 - Pull yourself together, Constable. - Sorry, Sir. 923 00:57:52,369 --> 00:57:54,437 Or you'll be a Constable Ex-parrot. 924 00:57:58,308 --> 00:58:00,076 Where are we? Can you remember? 925 00:58:07,618 --> 00:58:08,818 Oh yes! 926 00:58:10,754 --> 00:58:14,223 As you were saying, punch straight through both cheeks. 927 00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:15,892 Well where's the pleasure in that? 928 00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,660 That's me speaking now. 929 00:58:17,761 --> 00:58:18,995 Where's the pleasure in that, 930 00:58:19,096 --> 00:58:22,665 when people pop a choccy in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks lacerated. 931 00:58:22,766 --> 00:58:27,003 In any case, this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. 932 00:58:27,104 --> 00:58:29,605 I must ask you to accompany me to Scotland Yard. 933 00:58:30,374 --> 00:58:31,841 It's a fair cop. 934 00:58:31,942 --> 00:58:33,943 - And don't talk with the audience. - Why not? 935 00:58:34,044 --> 00:58:37,213 It's contrary to Section 28 of the Sketch Comedy Act. 936 00:58:37,281 --> 00:58:38,281 Right. 937 00:58:48,492 --> 00:58:50,793 Hello and welcome to another edition of 'Blood, 938 00:58:50,894 --> 00:58:55,198 Devastation, Death, War and Horror.' 939 00:58:55,332 --> 00:58:59,068 Later in the programme we'll be talking to a man who does gardening. 940 00:59:00,737 --> 00:59:04,907 But my first guest tonight is a man who speaks entirely in anagrams. 941 00:59:05,008 --> 00:59:06,542 Tahts sey crreoct. 942 00:59:06,643 --> 00:59:07,777 Do you enjoy it? 943 00:59:07,878 --> 00:59:10,379 Sey, sey, I stom certainly od. 944 00:59:10,480 --> 00:59:12,281 Yeah, and what's your name? 945 00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:15,084 Hamrag, Hamrag Yattlerot. 946 00:59:15,185 --> 00:59:17,420 Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show. 947 00:59:18,155 --> 00:59:19,455 Where do you hail from? 948 00:59:19,523 --> 00:59:20,690 Bumcreland. 949 00:59:21,158 --> 00:59:22,191 Cumberland? 950 00:59:22,526 --> 00:59:24,060 Staht it sepricely. 951 00:59:24,595 --> 00:59:25,728 Lovely part of the world. 952 00:59:25,829 --> 00:59:29,599 And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare. 953 00:59:29,700 --> 00:59:31,867 Sey, sey, tahtsi crreoct. 954 00:59:32,035 --> 00:59:36,172 Ta the nimute I'm rowking on 'The Mating of The Wersh.' 955 00:59:36,840 --> 00:59:38,074 By William Shakespeare? 956 00:59:38,308 --> 00:59:40,509 Nay, by Malliwi Rakessheape. 957 00:59:41,745 --> 00:59:43,312 Of course, and what else? 958 00:59:43,780 --> 00:59:45,314 Twelfth Thing, 959 00:59:45,415 --> 00:59:47,350 the Chamrent of Venice, 960 00:59:47,451 --> 00:59:49,252 Two Nnetlemeg of Verona. 961 00:59:49,386 --> 00:59:50,720 Have you, have you done Hamlet? 962 00:59:51,154 --> 00:59:52,355 Thamle. 963 00:59:52,823 --> 00:59:55,191 "Beot, or botneot. 964 00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,228 "Tath is the nestiquo." 965 01:00:00,964 --> 01:00:03,499 And what is your latest project? 966 01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:05,501 Ring Kichard the Thrid. 967 01:00:05,602 --> 01:00:06,836 I'm sorry? 968 01:00:07,137 --> 01:00:09,372 "A shroe, a shroe! 969 01:00:09,473 --> 01:00:12,041 "My dingkom for a shroe." 970 01:00:13,410 --> 01:00:15,478 Of course, Ring Kichard, yes, yes. 971 01:00:15,579 --> 01:00:18,014 But surely that's not an anagram. 972 01:00:18,115 --> 01:00:19,282 That's a spoonerism. 973 01:00:19,449 --> 01:00:21,851 If you're going to split hairs I'm going to piss off. 974 01:00:27,557 --> 01:00:31,560 The world today seems absolutely crackers. 975 01:00:31,762 --> 01:00:35,364 With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high. 976 01:00:36,466 --> 01:00:40,002 There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger. 977 01:00:40,504 --> 01:00:43,139 It's depressing and it's senseless 978 01:00:43,240 --> 01:00:44,874 and that's why... 979 01:00:45,809 --> 01:00:48,678 I like Chinese 980 01:00:49,780 --> 01:00:52,615 I like Chinese 981 01:00:53,183 --> 01:00:56,485 They copy everything they sees 982 01:00:56,586 --> 01:00:58,854 But they're up on the moon 983 01:00:58,955 --> 01:01:00,856 So, they'll do as they please 984 01:01:01,425 --> 01:01:04,293 I like Chinese 985 01:01:05,362 --> 01:01:08,431 I like Chinese 986 01:01:08,832 --> 01:01:12,068 They're still a little Communise 987 01:01:12,669 --> 01:01:14,670 But Americans don't need to fret 988 01:01:15,005 --> 01:01:16,739 For China has bought all their debt 989 01:01:17,174 --> 01:01:20,009 I like Chinese food 990 01:01:20,777 --> 01:01:23,979 The waiters never are rude 991 01:01:24,981 --> 01:01:28,351 Think of the many things They've done to impress 992 01:01:28,585 --> 01:01:30,753 There's Maoism, Taoism 993 01:01:30,887 --> 01:01:32,521 I Ching and chess 994 01:01:32,622 --> 01:01:35,191 So, I like Chinese 995 01:01:37,060 --> 01:01:39,395 I like Chinese 996 01:01:40,764 --> 01:01:43,199 I like their tiny little trees 997 01:01:43,367 --> 01:01:44,867 - That's Japanese. - Oh yes. 998 01:01:45,068 --> 01:01:46,802 Their Zen, their ping pong 999 01:01:46,903 --> 01:01:48,637 Their yin and yang-ese 1000 01:01:49,139 --> 01:01:52,675 I like Chinese thoughts 1001 01:01:52,776 --> 01:01:56,011 The wisdom that Confucius taught 1002 01:01:56,913 --> 01:02:00,449 If Darwin is anything to shout about 1003 01:02:00,884 --> 01:02:02,718 The Chinese will survive us all 1004 01:02:03,053 --> 01:02:04,720 Without any doubt 1005 01:02:04,821 --> 01:02:08,357 So, I like Chinese 1006 01:02:09,259 --> 01:02:12,528 I like Chinese 1007 01:02:12,996 --> 01:02:16,298 I like their teas and their tai chi's 1008 01:02:16,867 --> 01:02:18,968 Their calligraphy, as you can see 1009 01:02:19,069 --> 01:02:20,970 They all dance with ease 1010 01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:40,689 I like Chinese 1011 01:02:41,258 --> 01:02:44,627 I like Chinese 1012 01:02:44,995 --> 01:02:48,364 Their food is guaranteed to please 1013 01:02:48,932 --> 01:02:50,633 A 14, a seven 1014 01:02:51,134 --> 01:02:52,601 A nine and lychees 1015 01:02:52,702 --> 01:02:53,769 Altogether now. 1016 01:03:09,453 --> 01:03:12,221 I like Chinese 1017 01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:16,025 I like Chinese 1018 01:03:19,129 --> 01:03:20,863 I like Chinese 1019 01:03:21,565 --> 01:03:22,832 I like Chinese 1020 01:03:23,099 --> 01:03:24,867 I like Chinese 1021 01:03:25,502 --> 01:03:26,502 Yeah. 1022 01:03:29,005 --> 01:03:30,806 Thank you very much, O2. 1023 01:04:00,437 --> 01:04:01,637 It's the intermission. 1024 01:04:01,738 --> 01:04:03,839 It's the intermission. 1025 01:04:03,940 --> 01:04:05,574 I like the intermission. 1026 01:04:06,910 --> 01:04:08,611 - It's the best bit. I like it. - Shopping! 1027 01:04:08,712 --> 01:04:11,180 - I always look forward to the intermission. - Shopping! 1028 01:04:11,281 --> 01:04:14,049 I can go to the toilet. I so want to go to the toilet. 1029 01:04:14,150 --> 01:04:15,451 Ooh there's only one. 1030 01:04:15,552 --> 01:04:18,153 Yes, one for 16,000. 1031 01:06:05,495 --> 01:06:09,198 Sit on my face and tell me that you love me 1032 01:06:09,566 --> 01:06:13,002 I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too 1033 01:06:13,103 --> 01:06:16,338 I love to hear you oralise 1034 01:06:16,439 --> 01:06:18,073 When I'm between your thighs 1035 01:06:18,174 --> 01:06:19,975 You blow me away 1036 01:06:20,076 --> 01:06:23,912 Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you 1037 01:06:24,014 --> 01:06:27,583 I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly 1038 01:06:27,684 --> 01:06:31,353 Life can be fine if we both sixty nine 1039 01:06:31,454 --> 01:06:33,222 If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places 1040 01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:37,626 And play till we're blown away 1041 01:06:38,261 --> 01:06:42,131 Sit on my face and tell me that you love me 1042 01:06:42,232 --> 01:06:45,801 I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too 1043 01:06:45,902 --> 01:06:49,104 I love to hear you oralise 1044 01:06:49,205 --> 01:06:50,806 When I'm between your thighs 1045 01:06:50,907 --> 01:06:52,708 You blow me away 1046 01:06:52,809 --> 01:06:56,679 Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you 1047 01:06:56,780 --> 01:07:00,516 I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly 1048 01:07:00,617 --> 01:07:03,719 Life can be fine if we both sixty nine 1049 01:07:03,820 --> 01:07:05,854 If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places 1050 01:07:05,955 --> 01:07:09,458 And play till we're blown away 1051 01:07:25,809 --> 01:07:25,941 And that concludes tonight's broadcast of Spam Lake, 1052 01:07:25,942 --> 01:07:29,945 And that concludes tonight's broadcast of Spam Lake, 1053 01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:33,515 part of a new series of ballet for the radio. 1054 01:07:33,917 --> 01:07:37,720 And now we present the first episode of a new radio drama series 1055 01:07:37,821 --> 01:07:40,289 The Death of Mary Queen of Scots, 1056 01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:42,591 Part I, The Beginning 1057 01:07:47,163 --> 01:07:49,131 You are Mary Queen of Scots? 1058 01:07:49,199 --> 01:07:50,499 I am. 1059 01:07:59,609 --> 01:08:00,609 Oh no! 1060 01:08:07,984 --> 01:08:08,984 Oh dear! 1061 01:08:15,225 --> 01:08:18,293 Episode two of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots 1062 01:08:18,394 --> 01:08:21,196 can be heard on Radio 4 almost immediately. 1063 01:08:30,140 --> 01:08:31,373 I think she's dead. 1064 01:08:31,441 --> 01:08:32,641 No, I'm not. 1065 01:08:42,585 --> 01:08:46,455 That was episode two of The Death of Mary Queen of Scots, 1066 01:08:46,556 --> 01:08:49,391 adapted for radio by sticking a large nail through it. 1067 01:08:50,026 --> 01:08:52,861 And now, Radio 4 will explode. 1068 01:08:57,901 --> 01:09:00,235 We'll have to watch the telly then. 1069 01:09:00,303 --> 01:09:02,070 Yes, we will. 1070 01:09:02,272 --> 01:09:03,806 What's on the television? 1071 01:09:08,311 --> 01:09:09,745 Looks like a penguin. 1072 01:09:12,048 --> 01:09:15,617 No, I didn't mean what's on the television set, 1073 01:09:15,718 --> 01:09:17,653 I meant what programme? 1074 01:09:22,659 --> 01:09:25,327 Sort of funny, that penguin being there, isn't it? 1075 01:09:26,229 --> 01:09:27,329 What's it doing? 1076 01:09:27,397 --> 01:09:28,430 Standing. 1077 01:09:28,498 --> 01:09:30,132 I can see that! 1078 01:09:31,100 --> 01:09:35,904 If it lays an egg, it'll fall down the back of the television set. 1079 01:09:37,540 --> 01:09:39,508 We'll have to watch that. 1080 01:09:40,777 --> 01:09:42,344 Unless it's male. 1081 01:09:42,445 --> 01:09:43,946 Oh, I never thought of that. 1082 01:09:44,047 --> 01:09:45,347 It looks fairly butch. 1083 01:09:47,917 --> 01:09:49,751 Perhaps it's from next door. 1084 01:09:49,853 --> 01:09:53,188 Penguins don't come from next door. 1085 01:09:53,289 --> 01:09:55,457 They come from the Antarctic. 1086 01:09:56,326 --> 01:09:57,759 Burma! 1087 01:10:02,332 --> 01:10:04,233 Why did you say Burma? 1088 01:10:04,834 --> 01:10:06,235 Oh, I panicked. 1089 01:10:14,544 --> 01:10:16,278 Perhaps it's from the zoo. 1090 01:10:16,346 --> 01:10:17,312 Which zoo? 1091 01:10:17,413 --> 01:10:19,581 How would I know which bloody zoo! 1092 01:10:19,682 --> 01:10:23,285 I'm not David bloody Attenborough! 1093 01:10:23,386 --> 01:10:27,122 How does David bloody Attenborough know which zoo it came from? 1094 01:10:27,223 --> 01:10:28,690 He knows everything. 1095 01:10:30,393 --> 01:10:34,329 I wouldn't like that, It would take all the mystery out of life. 1096 01:10:35,999 --> 01:10:38,233 Anyway, if it came from the zoo, 1097 01:10:38,334 --> 01:10:40,936 it would have 'Property of the zoo' stamped on it. 1098 01:10:41,170 --> 01:10:42,437 No, it wouldn't. 1099 01:10:42,538 --> 01:10:46,074 They don't stamp animals 'Property of the zoo.' 1100 01:10:46,175 --> 01:10:51,847 You can't stamp a huge Siberian tiger, 'Property of the zoo.' 1101 01:10:53,082 --> 01:10:55,284 They stamp them when they're small. 1102 01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:05,794 What happens when they moult? 1103 01:11:07,430 --> 01:11:09,665 Siberian tigers don't moult. 1104 01:11:09,766 --> 01:11:11,266 No, but penguins do! 1105 01:11:11,367 --> 01:11:14,202 There, I've run rings round you logically. 1106 01:11:16,139 --> 01:11:17,606 Intercourse the penguin. 1107 01:11:19,809 --> 01:11:21,610 Well, it's just gone 8:00 o'clock 1108 01:11:21,711 --> 01:11:25,580 and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode. 1109 01:11:30,153 --> 01:11:32,354 How did he know that was gonna happen? 1110 01:11:33,089 --> 01:11:35,357 It was an inspired guess. 1111 01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:37,859 Oh, he knows everything, that Michael Palin. 1112 01:11:37,961 --> 01:11:40,562 Yes, and he's been everywhere too. 1113 01:11:40,663 --> 01:11:44,299 You ever watch any of those travel? Travel pro... 1114 01:11:49,872 --> 01:11:53,275 If you're going to be rude about me, I'm going to switch you off. 1115 01:11:54,477 --> 01:11:58,547 And now, it's time for Home Beautiful with Professor D.P. Gumby 1116 01:11:58,648 --> 01:12:03,285 to give you some hints on the often forgotten art of flower arranging. 1117 01:12:22,472 --> 01:12:23,705 Good evening! 1118 01:12:24,073 --> 01:12:25,607 Good evening! 1119 01:12:25,942 --> 01:12:29,811 Tonight, flower arranging. 1120 01:12:29,912 --> 01:12:35,083 First, take a bunch of flowers. 1121 01:12:37,353 --> 01:12:38,920 Pretty begonias. 1122 01:12:38,988 --> 01:12:40,856 Irises. 1123 01:12:40,923 --> 01:12:43,225 Freesias. 1124 01:12:43,326 --> 01:12:45,360 Chrysanthemmm... 1125 01:12:48,331 --> 01:12:49,631 ...mums, mums. 1126 01:12:51,034 --> 01:12:52,467 Then, 1127 01:12:52,568 --> 01:12:58,106 arrange them nicely in a vase. 1128 01:13:01,144 --> 01:13:03,345 Get in, get in, get in! 1129 01:13:03,446 --> 01:13:05,080 Oh, get in there. 1130 01:13:05,181 --> 01:13:10,218 Oh, get in, get in, come on little flowers. 1131 01:13:10,286 --> 01:13:11,319 Oh, no. 1132 01:13:11,421 --> 01:13:15,190 No! No! My brain hurts! 1133 01:13:19,162 --> 01:13:20,429 Case adjourned. 1134 01:13:29,172 --> 01:13:32,441 Oh, I had a bitch of a morning in the High Court. 1135 01:13:32,542 --> 01:13:34,776 Oh, me too, love. 1136 01:13:34,877 --> 01:13:38,814 I could stamp me little feet, the way those QCs carry on. 1137 01:13:38,915 --> 01:13:40,248 Oh, don't I know it, love? 1138 01:13:40,349 --> 01:13:43,718 Objection here, objection there, 1139 01:13:43,820 --> 01:13:47,222 and that nice policeman giving his evidence so well. 1140 01:13:47,323 --> 01:13:48,623 Beautiful speaking voice. 1141 01:13:48,724 --> 01:13:50,659 - And what a body. - Yes. 1142 01:13:50,760 --> 01:13:52,527 Well, at the end all I could do was bang my gavel. 1143 01:13:52,628 --> 01:13:53,595 You what, love? 1144 01:13:53,696 --> 01:13:56,531 I did me "Silence in court" bit. 1145 01:13:56,599 --> 01:13:57,632 Oh, yes. 1146 01:13:57,733 --> 01:13:58,934 If looks could have killed, 1147 01:13:59,035 --> 01:14:02,104 that prosecuting counsel would have been in for 40 years. 1148 01:14:02,738 --> 01:14:04,306 How did your summing up go? 1149 01:14:14,250 --> 01:14:15,717 I did it in me butch voice, you know, 1150 01:14:15,818 --> 01:14:17,853 "What the jury must understand," and they loved it 1151 01:14:17,920 --> 01:14:18,887 I bet they did. 1152 01:14:18,988 --> 01:14:20,422 I can see little foreman of the jury eyeing me. 1153 01:14:20,523 --> 01:14:22,924 - Really? - Oh yes, cheeky devil. 1154 01:14:23,025 --> 01:14:25,293 Made me want to turn Queen's evidence. 1155 01:14:25,995 --> 01:14:28,230 I know what they mean by a well hung jury. 1156 01:14:29,232 --> 01:14:32,467 Anyway, I finished up with really serious. 1157 01:14:34,470 --> 01:14:38,373 "The actions of these vicious men are a violent stain upon the community 1158 01:14:38,474 --> 01:14:40,375 "and the full penalty of the law 1159 01:14:40,476 --> 01:14:45,013 "is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes," 1160 01:14:45,114 --> 01:14:46,348 And I waggled me wig. 1161 01:14:47,450 --> 01:14:48,717 You waggled your what? 1162 01:14:48,818 --> 01:14:49,885 I waggled me wig. 1163 01:14:50,586 --> 01:14:51,887 Ever so slightly. 1164 01:14:51,988 --> 01:14:53,421 - Stunning effect. - I bet it was. 1165 01:14:53,523 --> 01:14:56,591 Anyway, I gave him three years. 1166 01:14:56,692 --> 01:14:58,193 Only took ten minutes. 1167 01:14:58,995 --> 01:15:02,497 Tell me, did you handle the Cleese divorce? 1168 01:15:14,310 --> 01:15:15,343 Which one? 1169 01:15:21,784 --> 01:15:23,018 He's had four wives. 1170 01:15:23,085 --> 01:15:24,486 Really? 1171 01:15:24,554 --> 01:15:25,754 Is he a Muslim? 1172 01:15:25,821 --> 01:15:27,289 No. 1173 01:15:27,390 --> 01:15:28,890 It's just the way he walks. 1174 01:15:30,693 --> 01:15:34,429 Tell me, what do you usually give for sex in a public toilet? 1175 01:15:36,432 --> 01:15:37,566 About ten quid. 1176 01:15:37,633 --> 01:15:38,633 Yeah. 1177 01:15:39,302 --> 01:15:40,302 All in? 1178 01:15:42,205 --> 01:15:43,205 Now, ladies and gents, here it is, 1179 01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:45,574 the show you've been waiting for, the show you've heard so much about. 1180 01:15:45,675 --> 01:15:47,842 This is the show that gives you what you want the way you like it, 1181 01:15:47,944 --> 01:15:50,879 so move right up front for Full Frontal Nudity 1182 01:15:50,980 --> 01:15:53,248 Stop the crap. Get on with the show 1183 01:15:55,218 --> 01:15:56,218 Oh, yes. 1184 01:16:00,223 --> 01:16:02,624 Oh, yes. 1185 01:16:05,194 --> 01:16:06,695 Kevin, that's my seat. 1186 01:16:06,796 --> 01:16:08,363 What? Will you sit down? 1187 01:16:08,464 --> 01:16:10,265 - Get out of the way. - Excuse me. 1188 01:16:10,933 --> 01:16:13,235 Yeah, that's better. 1189 01:16:13,302 --> 01:16:14,603 Yes. 1190 01:16:19,542 --> 01:16:21,576 Look at them. What? 1191 01:16:21,677 --> 01:16:24,145 Get your choc ice cream, sweeties. 1192 01:16:24,247 --> 01:16:25,981 I'm not hungry. 1193 01:16:26,048 --> 01:16:27,082 That's better. 1194 01:16:27,183 --> 01:16:30,218 Oh yes, here we go, here we go 1195 01:16:30,319 --> 01:16:34,456 Will the owner of a Ford Cortina, registration OYR 312... 1196 01:16:34,557 --> 01:16:36,758 - Shut up ...please move his vehicle? 1197 01:16:36,826 --> 01:16:37,892 And we're back. 1198 01:16:37,994 --> 01:16:40,929 Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. 1199 01:16:43,966 --> 01:16:45,834 Oh, yeah. 1200 01:16:51,440 --> 01:16:55,076 Oh God, I'll have to come back tomorrow. 1201 01:16:56,045 --> 01:16:57,045 Albatross! 1202 01:17:03,219 --> 01:17:04,552 Albatross! 1203 01:17:06,589 --> 01:17:07,789 Albatross! 1204 01:17:07,890 --> 01:17:09,257 Two choc ices, please. 1205 01:17:09,358 --> 01:17:12,193 I haven't got any choc ices, I've just got this albatross. 1206 01:17:12,328 --> 01:17:13,728 Albatross! 1207 01:17:14,263 --> 01:17:15,463 What flavour is it? 1208 01:17:15,564 --> 01:17:19,668 What? Well, it's a bloody sea bird, it's an albatross. 1209 01:17:19,769 --> 01:17:22,003 It's not any bloody flavour. 1210 01:17:22,071 --> 01:17:23,071 Albatross! 1211 01:17:23,172 --> 01:17:24,205 Everything's got a flavour. 1212 01:17:24,307 --> 01:17:27,242 All right, it's bloody sea bird flavour, 1213 01:17:27,343 --> 01:17:31,179 it's bloody albatross bloody flavour. 1214 01:17:31,247 --> 01:17:32,414 Albatross! 1215 01:17:32,515 --> 01:17:33,615 Do you get wafers with it? 1216 01:17:33,716 --> 01:17:36,584 Course you don't get fucking wafers with it! 1217 01:17:37,019 --> 01:17:38,620 It's an albatross! 1218 01:17:39,622 --> 01:17:40,789 You're disgusting. 1219 01:17:40,890 --> 01:17:42,791 You're not even a proper woman. 1220 01:17:43,292 --> 01:17:45,026 Don't you oppress me, mate. 1221 01:17:45,294 --> 01:17:47,095 You should be ashamed of yourself. 1222 01:17:47,163 --> 01:17:48,163 Racist! 1223 01:17:48,230 --> 01:17:49,230 Racist! 1224 01:17:49,298 --> 01:17:50,498 Racist! 1225 01:17:50,599 --> 01:17:52,300 Stormy petrel on a stick. 1226 01:17:53,536 --> 01:17:54,969 Gannet in a basket. 1227 01:18:32,641 --> 01:18:33,808 Evening, squire. 1228 01:18:34,009 --> 01:18:35,043 Good evening 1229 01:18:35,878 --> 01:18:38,780 Is your wife a goer, eh? 1230 01:18:39,615 --> 01:18:41,249 Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge, nudge, 1231 01:18:41,350 --> 01:18:42,917 know what I mean, say no more? 1232 01:18:43,018 --> 01:18:44,486 I beg your pardon? 1233 01:18:44,587 --> 01:18:46,388 Your wife, does she go? 1234 01:18:46,489 --> 01:18:47,655 Does she, does she go, eh? 1235 01:18:47,757 --> 01:18:50,058 Well, she sometimes has to go, yes. 1236 01:18:50,159 --> 01:18:53,128 I bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, 1237 01:18:53,229 --> 01:18:55,430 say no more, know what I mean, nudge, nudge. 1238 01:18:55,798 --> 01:18:57,665 I'm afraid I don't quite follow you. 1239 01:18:58,334 --> 01:19:02,537 Follow me, follow me, that's very good, very good. 1240 01:19:02,638 --> 01:19:05,907 A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 1241 01:19:06,575 --> 01:19:08,143 Are you selling something? 1242 01:19:08,210 --> 01:19:09,344 Selling! 1243 01:19:09,445 --> 01:19:11,079 Very good, you're wicked, you are. 1244 01:19:11,180 --> 01:19:14,149 Oh, you are a wicked one, aren't you, eh, yeah? 1245 01:19:14,250 --> 01:19:16,851 You know what I mean? Say no more, wicked, eh? 1246 01:19:16,952 --> 01:19:18,086 Say no more. 1247 01:19:18,154 --> 01:19:19,154 What? 1248 01:19:20,356 --> 01:19:23,291 Is your wife interested in sport, eh? 1249 01:19:24,360 --> 01:19:25,627 She likes sport, yes. 1250 01:19:25,728 --> 01:19:27,929 I bet she does, I bet she does. 1251 01:19:28,497 --> 01:19:30,965 As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket. 1252 01:19:31,767 --> 01:19:35,236 Likes games, eh? She likes games. 1253 01:19:35,337 --> 01:19:37,906 I knew she would, I knew she would. She's been around a bit, eh? 1254 01:19:38,007 --> 01:19:39,274 Been around, been around, eh? 1255 01:19:39,375 --> 01:19:42,177 Well, she has travelled. She's from Purley. 1256 01:19:42,278 --> 01:19:43,311 Whoa! 1257 01:19:44,213 --> 01:19:47,449 Purley? Say no more, say no more, 1258 01:19:47,550 --> 01:19:50,151 say no more, say no more! 1259 01:19:51,153 --> 01:19:52,153 Well? 1260 01:19:53,189 --> 01:19:56,458 Is your wife interested in photography? 1261 01:19:57,460 --> 01:19:58,526 Photography? 1262 01:19:59,061 --> 01:20:03,064 "Photographs, eh?" He asked him knowingly. 1263 01:20:03,165 --> 01:20:04,265 Photography? 1264 01:20:04,366 --> 01:20:07,569 Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more. 1265 01:20:07,670 --> 01:20:09,037 Holiday snaps? 1266 01:20:09,138 --> 01:20:12,073 They could be, they could be taken on holiday, you know? 1267 01:20:13,042 --> 01:20:15,643 Swimming costumes. 1268 01:20:22,718 --> 01:20:23,885 Dressing up. 1269 01:20:33,362 --> 01:20:36,130 Candid photography, if you know what I mean, you know? 1270 01:20:36,232 --> 01:20:37,732 Behind the scenes bit. 1271 01:20:37,833 --> 01:20:39,200 No, we don't have a camera. 1272 01:20:39,268 --> 01:20:40,568 Still... 1273 01:20:44,673 --> 01:20:47,242 Look, are you insinuating something? 1274 01:20:47,309 --> 01:20:49,744 Oh no! No! 1275 01:20:49,812 --> 01:20:50,912 Yes. 1276 01:20:51,780 --> 01:20:52,847 Well? 1277 01:20:52,948 --> 01:20:55,750 Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, squire, you know, 1278 01:20:55,851 --> 01:20:58,219 you've been around a bit, you know, been around. 1279 01:20:58,320 --> 01:20:59,320 What do you mean? 1280 01:20:59,421 --> 01:21:02,190 Well, I mean, like, you know, you've... you've done it. 1281 01:21:02,291 --> 01:21:04,826 You've slept with a lady. 1282 01:21:04,894 --> 01:21:06,694 Yes. 1283 01:21:06,762 --> 01:21:08,463 What's it like? 1284 01:21:15,771 --> 01:21:17,338 Blackmail! 1285 01:21:23,445 --> 01:21:24,812 Blackmail! 1286 01:21:25,247 --> 01:21:27,749 Is your wife a goer, eh? 1287 01:21:27,850 --> 01:21:30,418 Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge, nudge, say no more 1288 01:21:30,519 --> 01:21:33,388 Does she, does she go, eh? Oh, I bet she does. 1289 01:21:36,158 --> 01:21:37,125 Wink, wink, eh? 1290 01:21:37,226 --> 01:21:39,827 A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 1291 01:21:39,929 --> 01:21:40,895 Say no more! 1292 01:21:40,996 --> 01:21:42,797 Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, 1293 01:21:42,865 --> 01:21:44,499 Blackmail! 1294 01:21:44,600 --> 01:21:46,668 Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, 1295 01:21:46,735 --> 01:21:48,202 Blackmail! 1296 01:21:52,541 --> 01:21:55,410 Is your girlfriend interested in photography? 1297 01:21:56,712 --> 01:21:59,814 "Photographs, eh?" He asked him knowingly. 1298 01:22:00,049 --> 01:22:02,717 Candid, you know, candid photography, eh? 1299 01:22:03,118 --> 01:22:04,085 Say no more! 1300 01:22:04,186 --> 01:22:07,522 Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, whoo, that's better! 1301 01:22:07,623 --> 01:22:09,724 Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, 1302 01:22:09,792 --> 01:22:11,559 Blackmail! 1303 01:22:11,660 --> 01:22:13,661 Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, 1304 01:22:13,729 --> 01:22:15,630 Blackmail! 1305 01:22:25,774 --> 01:22:27,375 Blackmail! 1306 01:22:33,148 --> 01:22:34,716 Blackmail! 1307 01:22:36,852 --> 01:22:39,721 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Blackmail. 1308 01:22:39,822 --> 01:22:42,657 Live from the Tower Backroom, Blackpool. 1309 01:22:42,758 --> 01:22:45,026 Please welcome your host for tonight, 1310 01:22:45,127 --> 01:22:48,596 here's Nobby. 1311 01:22:56,639 --> 01:23:01,609 Hello and welcome to Blackmail, the show people can't wait to be off. 1312 01:23:03,612 --> 01:23:08,182 And first we go north to Preston in Lancashire and Mrs Betty Teal. 1313 01:23:08,283 --> 01:23:11,352 Now, Mrs Teal, this is for £500, 1314 01:23:11,453 --> 01:23:16,224 and this will stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton. 1315 01:23:17,259 --> 01:23:20,628 So, Mrs Teal, £500 by tomorrow, please, 1316 01:23:20,729 --> 01:23:22,697 and your husband Trevor 1317 01:23:22,798 --> 01:23:25,900 and your lovely children Diane, Janice and little Juliette, 1318 01:23:26,001 --> 01:23:27,935 who's having a difficult time at school at the moment, 1319 01:23:28,270 --> 01:23:31,706 need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. 1320 01:23:35,177 --> 01:23:39,180 What a hunk. Now, a politician, a freemason, an ex-guardsman 1321 01:23:39,281 --> 01:23:42,550 and a prominent supporter of the English Folk Dance Movement. 1322 01:23:43,018 --> 01:23:47,155 Well, he's been getting into a bit of a dance of his own. 1323 01:23:47,256 --> 01:23:51,826 On last week's programme, he had the chance to pay up and hush it up, 1324 01:23:51,927 --> 01:23:54,862 but he thought he knew better. Well, we've got news for him. 1325 01:23:54,963 --> 01:23:57,899 He thinks he's at a crack addict's conference in Broadstairs. 1326 01:23:58,000 --> 01:24:00,902 In fact, he's here backstage at our Blackmail studios. 1327 01:24:00,969 --> 01:24:02,403 Bring him on! 1328 01:24:05,808 --> 01:24:10,111 Hey! Sir Norman Barry Castle. 1329 01:24:11,613 --> 01:24:13,114 Welcome to Blackmail. 1330 01:24:13,215 --> 01:24:16,284 Well, you elected not to pay up, so here you are now 1331 01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:18,753 in front of our studio audience of 15,000, 1332 01:24:18,854 --> 01:24:20,955 our global audience of fifty million, 1333 01:24:21,056 --> 01:24:27,829 paying the price of our right to know everything about you. 1334 01:24:29,865 --> 01:24:32,333 Well, your career's in ruins, but the good thing is 1335 01:24:32,434 --> 01:24:35,670 that your wife is gonna stand by you and she's here in the studio tonight. 1336 01:24:36,405 --> 01:24:38,840 Is she with us? Can we see her there? 1337 01:24:38,941 --> 01:24:41,476 Lovely, thank you. 1338 01:24:41,577 --> 01:24:43,745 Thank you for coming along. 1339 01:24:46,615 --> 01:24:49,283 Behind every strong man, there's a stronger woman. 1340 01:24:49,351 --> 01:24:50,384 You bastard. 1341 01:24:50,486 --> 01:24:52,286 Well, that's what they all say but he should have... 1342 01:24:52,387 --> 01:24:55,089 - Kept it in his pants. - Kept it in his pants. 1343 01:24:55,190 --> 01:24:57,091 Well, thank you, Sir Norman. 1344 01:24:57,192 --> 01:25:01,062 Now it's telephone time, so bring on the golden phone. 1345 01:25:01,930 --> 01:25:06,100 Last week, we showed you this photograph of three middle-aged car enthusiasts 1346 01:25:06,802 --> 01:25:10,905 and asked them to send in £30,000 to stop us revealing the name 1347 01:25:11,006 --> 01:25:12,740 of the two girls from the garage, 1348 01:25:13,575 --> 01:25:15,243 the make of car in which they did it 1349 01:25:16,345 --> 01:25:20,782 and the type of engine oil they used for lubrication. Well... 1350 01:25:21,416 --> 01:25:24,085 ...we've heard nothing from them, so it's time to... 1351 01:25:24,186 --> 01:25:25,486 - Fill in the puzzle! - Fill in the puzzle! 1352 01:25:25,854 --> 01:25:28,022 Let's see more. 1353 01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:31,392 OK boys, you're on Blackmail 1354 01:25:31,493 --> 01:25:35,663 and it's now £40,000 each. 1355 01:25:35,764 --> 01:25:41,903 Well, they're either very brave or very rich. Let's see which it is. 1356 01:25:42,004 --> 01:25:48,075 £400,000 now, unless we hear from James or Richard or... 1357 01:25:50,145 --> 01:25:54,448 Hello, hello. Hello Jeremy, yeah, how are you? 1358 01:25:54,550 --> 01:25:57,985 Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm sure you didn't, no, no, no. 1359 01:25:58,086 --> 01:26:01,088 We don't morally censure, we just want the money. 1360 01:26:01,190 --> 01:26:04,025 If your cheque's in the mail, you won't be in the Daily Mail. 1361 01:26:04,126 --> 01:26:05,293 Thanks for playing Blackmail. 1362 01:26:05,894 --> 01:26:08,362 Thanks. You too, Jezza. 1363 01:26:08,430 --> 01:26:10,064 Lovely man. 1364 01:26:10,165 --> 01:26:12,200 Deeply flawed. 1365 01:26:12,301 --> 01:26:15,603 Now, what is it time for now, Veronica? 1366 01:26:15,704 --> 01:26:18,339 I'm A Celebrity Or Am I? 1367 01:26:18,440 --> 01:26:20,441 I'm A Celebrity Or Am I? 1368 01:26:20,542 --> 01:26:24,512 Your chance to play the game where we bring on a mystery contestant 1369 01:26:24,613 --> 01:26:26,147 and you have to tell us whether you think 1370 01:26:26,248 --> 01:26:29,851 he's a celebrity or a mere non-entity, so here he comes... 1371 01:26:29,952 --> 01:26:32,453 Celebrity or non-entity? 1372 01:26:32,554 --> 01:26:33,821 Let's start the clock. 1373 01:26:35,190 --> 01:26:37,491 The famous legs, are those Simon Cowell's legs? 1374 01:26:37,593 --> 01:26:39,093 Are these legs you recognise? 1375 01:26:39,194 --> 01:26:40,661 Looks pretty ordinary to me. 1376 01:26:40,762 --> 01:26:42,496 Could just be an ordinary guy off the street. 1377 01:26:42,598 --> 01:26:46,300 Could be a celebrity. Five, four, three, two, one. 1378 01:26:46,401 --> 01:26:48,436 Off with the bag. Oh my God! 1379 01:26:49,238 --> 01:26:51,138 Wow! 1380 01:27:00,482 --> 01:27:03,384 International man of mystery himself. 1381 01:27:03,485 --> 01:27:09,624 This is a great moment but, Mike, Mike. We're both Mike so I can Mike... 1382 01:27:09,725 --> 01:27:11,092 - Yes. - I can Mike with you. 1383 01:27:11,193 --> 01:27:13,261 - You're on Blackmail... - Yes. 1384 01:27:13,362 --> 01:27:15,329 What's gone wrong? 1385 01:27:15,430 --> 01:27:18,299 You mean, what's gone right? 1386 01:27:18,400 --> 01:27:21,435 - Did I? - I'm on stage with you, sir. 1387 01:27:21,536 --> 01:27:23,638 Well, we want you to confess, you know? 1388 01:27:23,739 --> 01:27:25,840 Because Blackmail, we know you've been in trouble, 1389 01:27:25,941 --> 01:27:28,776 so if there's anything you wanna share with the audience, now's your time. 1390 01:27:30,012 --> 01:27:31,812 I wanna share how incredibly honoured I am 1391 01:27:31,914 --> 01:27:33,381 to be on stage with Monty Python, 1392 01:27:33,482 --> 01:27:36,817 the greatest comedy troupe in the history of the English language. 1393 01:27:39,054 --> 01:27:40,588 And... 1394 01:27:42,257 --> 01:27:43,257 And... 1395 01:27:43,358 --> 01:27:47,094 There may be photographs of me with German Shepherds. 1396 01:27:48,196 --> 01:27:49,297 - Oh wow... - Yeah. 1397 01:27:49,398 --> 01:27:51,933 He's too nice a guy. Thank you for coming on the show, Mike. 1398 01:27:52,000 --> 01:27:52,967 That's it? OK. 1399 01:27:53,068 --> 01:27:55,536 Thank you and thank you all, girls, for Blackmail. 1400 01:27:55,637 --> 01:27:56,837 See you next week! 1401 01:28:26,702 --> 01:28:30,771 Good evening and welcome to another edition of Science Today, 1402 01:28:30,872 --> 01:28:33,341 where we look at science today, 1403 01:28:33,442 --> 01:28:36,577 and today we have with us Anne Elk, 1404 01:28:36,678 --> 01:28:39,613 - Mrs Anne Elk. - Miss. 1405 01:28:40,949 --> 01:28:42,783 - Miss Anne Elk. - Miss. Yes. 1406 01:28:42,884 --> 01:28:46,887 Sorry. Miss Elk, you have a new theory about the brontosaurus. 1407 01:28:46,989 --> 01:28:53,494 Can I just say at this point, Chris, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus? 1408 01:28:55,630 --> 01:28:56,897 Exactly. 1409 01:28:59,534 --> 01:29:01,669 - What is it? - Where? 1410 01:29:01,770 --> 01:29:04,772 - Your new theory? - What is my theory? 1411 01:29:04,873 --> 01:29:07,008 - Yes. - What is my theory that it is. 1412 01:29:07,109 --> 01:29:11,545 Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory. 1413 01:29:11,646 --> 01:29:15,549 - I am asking what is your theory. - Well done, Chris. 1414 01:29:15,650 --> 01:29:17,985 - Thank you. - Spot on. 1415 01:29:18,086 --> 01:29:23,524 My word, yes. Well, Chris, what is it, that it is, this theory of mine? 1416 01:29:23,625 --> 01:29:29,530 Well, this is what it is. My theory, which belongs to me and which I own, is mine. 1417 01:29:34,803 --> 01:29:37,605 Yes, I know it's yours, but what is it? 1418 01:29:37,706 --> 01:29:41,142 - Where? - Your theory. 1419 01:29:41,243 --> 01:29:43,844 - What is my theory? - Yes. 1420 01:29:43,912 --> 01:29:45,746 This is it. 1421 01:29:51,086 --> 01:29:53,554 Here is my theory and what it is too. 1422 01:30:04,066 --> 01:30:07,468 "My theory, by Anne Elk, 1423 01:30:07,569 --> 01:30:09,070 "brackets, Miss, brackets..." 1424 01:30:16,878 --> 01:30:20,114 The next thing that I will say will be my theory. 1425 01:30:23,919 --> 01:30:26,087 Here it comes. 1426 01:30:26,188 --> 01:30:27,755 You ready, Chris? 1427 01:30:27,823 --> 01:30:29,623 Yes. 1428 01:30:29,724 --> 01:30:33,594 My theory begins now. 1429 01:30:33,695 --> 01:30:37,865 All brontosauruses are thin at one end and then much thicker in the middle 1430 01:30:37,966 --> 01:30:39,867 and then thin at the far end again. 1431 01:30:39,968 --> 01:30:45,473 That is my theory and what it is, and it belongs to me too and it's mine. 1432 01:30:48,844 --> 01:30:52,079 - That's it, is it? - Spot on, Chris. 1433 01:30:52,180 --> 01:30:55,483 Well, this theory of yours certainly seems to have hit the nail on the head. 1434 01:30:55,584 --> 01:30:56,617 Thank you, Chris, thank you. 1435 01:30:56,718 --> 01:30:58,452 - Next week sees the opening... - Thank you very much. 1436 01:30:58,553 --> 01:31:00,554 ...of a new wasp... - Thank you. 1437 01:31:00,655 --> 01:31:02,356 And thank you for asking me to the studio. 1438 01:31:02,457 --> 01:31:05,326 You're very welcome. Next week sees the opening of a... 1439 01:31:05,427 --> 01:31:07,862 ...of a new wasp farm near Redditch... 1440 01:31:07,963 --> 01:31:11,732 ...that is going to... 1441 01:31:11,833 --> 01:31:12,833 Next week sees the opening... 1442 01:31:12,934 --> 01:31:16,003 I have another theory. 1443 01:31:16,071 --> 01:31:17,271 Really? 1444 01:31:17,372 --> 01:31:21,342 Called, "My Second Theory" or "Miss Anne Elk, 1445 01:31:21,443 --> 01:31:25,813 "bracket, Miss, second theory, number two." 1446 01:31:25,914 --> 01:31:29,483 - Would you like to hear it? - Yes, all right. 1447 01:32:01,950 --> 01:32:08,022 My second theory states that dentists can make your teeth dance. 1448 01:32:09,457 --> 01:32:11,025 - Really? - Look. 1449 01:32:13,461 --> 01:32:19,033 Yes, mothers, it's time once again for Conrad Poohs and his dancing teeth. 1450 01:33:10,952 --> 01:33:12,186 Come in. 1451 01:33:14,322 --> 01:33:16,290 Trouble at mill. 1452 01:33:16,391 --> 01:33:19,593 Oh no. What sort of trouble? 1453 01:33:19,728 --> 01:33:22,229 One of crossbeam's gone out of skew on treadle. 1454 01:33:22,297 --> 01:33:23,364 Pardon? 1455 01:33:23,465 --> 01:33:26,133 One of crossbeam's gone out of skew on treadle. 1456 01:33:26,234 --> 01:33:28,969 I don't understand what you're saying. 1457 01:33:29,070 --> 01:33:32,606 One of the crossbeams has gone out of askew on the treadle. 1458 01:33:32,707 --> 01:33:35,743 - Well, what on earth does that mean? - Well, I don't know. 1459 01:33:35,844 --> 01:33:39,213 Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say there was trouble at mill, that's all. 1460 01:33:39,314 --> 01:33:41,749 I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. 1461 01:33:50,992 --> 01:33:53,360 Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 1462 01:33:53,461 --> 01:33:57,164 Our chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear. Fear as well. 1463 01:33:57,265 --> 01:34:00,000 Our two weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless... 1464 01:34:00,101 --> 01:34:04,038 Our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency 1465 01:34:04,139 --> 01:34:05,873 and an almost fanatical devotion to... 1466 01:34:05,974 --> 01:34:07,841 Four, our four... 1467 01:34:07,942 --> 01:34:10,744 The... the... I'll come in again. 1468 01:34:23,892 --> 01:34:26,694 I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. 1469 01:34:30,865 --> 01:34:32,866 Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 1470 01:34:33,468 --> 01:34:36,303 Amongst our weaponry, our five diverse elements, 1471 01:34:36,404 --> 01:34:41,642 are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope 1472 01:34:41,743 --> 01:34:43,777 and nice red uniforms. 1473 01:34:43,878 --> 01:34:46,647 No, I can't do this, I can't say this. You'll have to say it. 1474 01:34:46,748 --> 01:34:48,982 - What? - The bit about our chief weapons. 1475 01:34:49,084 --> 01:34:50,751 I couldn't do that. 1476 01:34:55,357 --> 01:34:56,724 Nobody... 1477 01:34:56,791 --> 01:34:57,758 Expects. 1478 01:34:57,859 --> 01:35:00,227 Nobody expects the Spanish... 1479 01:35:00,328 --> 01:35:02,863 - Inquisition. - I know, I know. 1480 01:35:02,964 --> 01:35:06,100 Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 1481 01:35:06,201 --> 01:35:08,869 - In fact, those... - Our chief weapons are... 1482 01:35:08,970 --> 01:35:12,706 - Our chief weapons are... - Surprise. 1483 01:35:12,807 --> 01:35:14,541 - Surprise and... - Stop. Stop there, stop there. Good. 1484 01:35:14,642 --> 01:35:18,345 Surprise, fear, ruthless efficiency, fanatical devotion to the Pope. 1485 01:35:18,446 --> 01:35:20,914 - Cardinal Fang... - Yes, love? 1486 01:35:35,530 --> 01:35:36,964 Read the charges. 1487 01:35:38,333 --> 01:35:40,467 14 ducats for a complete massage on... 1488 01:35:40,568 --> 01:35:42,836 No, no, no, the charges against her. 1489 01:35:47,609 --> 01:35:52,646 You have hereby been charged that you did on diverse dates 1490 01:35:52,747 --> 01:35:57,684 commit heresy against the Holy Church by word, thought and deed. 1491 01:35:57,786 --> 01:35:59,219 With full relief, 22 ducats... 1492 01:35:59,320 --> 01:36:01,121 Yeah, no, that's enough, that's enough. 1493 01:36:02,424 --> 01:36:06,193 So... how do you plead? 1494 01:36:07,796 --> 01:36:09,129 Innocent. 1495 01:36:10,565 --> 01:36:13,367 - Innocent! - Very well. 1496 01:36:14,436 --> 01:36:16,370 Cardinal Biggles... 1497 01:36:17,272 --> 01:36:19,740 Fetch the rack. 1498 01:36:34,656 --> 01:36:37,758 Tie her to the rack. 1499 01:36:45,967 --> 01:36:46,700 So... 1500 01:36:48,536 --> 01:36:50,671 How do you plead? 1501 01:36:50,738 --> 01:36:52,873 Innocent. 1502 01:36:52,974 --> 01:36:57,711 Cardinal... give the rack a turn. 1503 01:36:57,812 --> 01:36:59,546 - I... - I know, I know you can't, 1504 01:36:59,647 --> 01:37:02,983 I didn't want to say anything, I just wanted to ignore your crass mistake. 1505 01:37:03,084 --> 01:37:06,653 - I... - It makes it all seem so stupid. 1506 01:37:06,754 --> 01:37:09,156 - Shall I... - Just pretend, pretend for God's sake. 1507 01:37:14,195 --> 01:37:17,164 So, old woman, you are accused of heresy on three counts. 1508 01:37:17,265 --> 01:37:21,602 Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by action. 1509 01:37:21,703 --> 01:37:24,037 Four, four, four counts. 1510 01:37:25,273 --> 01:37:26,940 Do you... 1511 01:37:30,144 --> 01:37:31,812 Confess? 1512 01:37:31,913 --> 01:37:34,781 I don't understand what I'm accused of. 1513 01:37:36,384 --> 01:37:37,818 Then we shall make you understand. 1514 01:37:37,919 --> 01:37:42,189 Cardinal, take her... to the comfy chair. 1515 01:37:47,862 --> 01:37:50,797 So you think you can survive the rack. You will not survive the comfy chair. 1516 01:37:51,432 --> 01:37:54,535 So... old woman, you have one last chance. 1517 01:37:54,936 --> 01:37:56,904 Confess the heinous sin of heresy, 1518 01:37:57,005 --> 01:37:59,239 reject the works of the ungodly... Two, two last chances, 1519 01:37:59,340 --> 01:38:03,277 and you shall be... three, three last chances. 1520 01:38:03,344 --> 01:38:05,312 Confess. 1521 01:38:05,413 --> 01:38:11,785 - Confess. Confess. Confess. Confess. - Confess. Confess. Confess. Confess. 1522 01:38:12,186 --> 01:38:13,954 I confess! 1523 01:38:14,022 --> 01:38:16,323 No, not you. 1524 01:38:18,059 --> 01:38:21,962 I have one last weapon in my armoury. If you do not talk... 1525 01:38:22,063 --> 01:38:26,433 - I will show you... the fridge. - Not the fridge! 1526 01:38:28,369 --> 01:38:32,306 Cardinal, go to the fridge and get her... 1527 01:38:32,407 --> 01:38:36,777 A large glass of... cold milk. 1528 01:38:44,485 --> 01:38:47,054 Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown... 1529 01:38:47,455 --> 01:38:50,557 and things seem hard or tough 1530 01:38:50,658 --> 01:38:55,562 And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft 1531 01:38:55,663 --> 01:39:00,567 And you feel that you've had quite enough 1532 01:39:02,971 --> 01:39:08,809 Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving 1533 01:39:08,910 --> 01:39:12,879 and revolving at 900 miles an hour 1534 01:39:12,981 --> 01:39:16,683 That's orbiting at 19 miles a second so it's reckoned 1535 01:39:16,784 --> 01:39:20,887 The sun that is the source of all our power 1536 01:39:20,989 --> 01:39:24,758 The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see 1537 01:39:24,859 --> 01:39:28,362 are moving at a million miles a day 1538 01:39:28,997 --> 01:39:33,066 In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour 1539 01:39:33,167 --> 01:39:36,737 of the galaxy we call the Milky Way 1540 01:39:45,380 --> 01:39:49,316 Our galaxy itself contains 500 billion stars 1541 01:39:49,417 --> 01:39:53,654 It's a hundred thousand light years side to side 1542 01:39:53,755 --> 01:39:57,391 It bulges in the middle, six thousand light years thick 1543 01:39:57,492 --> 01:40:01,294 but out by us it's just a thousand light years wide 1544 01:40:01,996 --> 01:40:05,899 We're 40,000 light years from Galactic Central Point 1545 01:40:06,000 --> 01:40:09,603 we go round every 200 million years 1546 01:40:10,238 --> 01:40:14,174 And our galaxy is only one of millions and billions 1547 01:40:14,275 --> 01:40:18,412 in this amazing and expanding universe 1548 01:40:51,479 --> 01:40:56,249 The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding 1549 01:40:56,350 --> 01:40:59,686 In all of the directions it can whizz 1550 01:41:00,354 --> 01:41:04,324 As fast as it can go at the speed of light you know 1551 01:41:04,425 --> 01:41:08,095 12 million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is 1552 01:41:08,196 --> 01:41:12,499 So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure 1553 01:41:12,600 --> 01:41:16,536 How amazingly unlikely is your birth 1554 01:41:16,637 --> 01:41:20,707 And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space 1555 01:41:20,808 --> 01:41:23,844 'Cause there's bugger all down here on earth 1556 01:41:36,424 --> 01:41:39,993 Now there are many reasons why I find that song scientifically inaccurate. 1557 01:41:40,595 --> 01:41:42,129 It's pathetic really. 1558 01:41:42,230 --> 01:41:44,831 The statement that the sun is the source of all our power. 1559 01:41:44,932 --> 01:41:48,668 Well, take geothermal energy. That comes from the heat of the earth's core. 1560 01:41:48,770 --> 01:41:52,205 That's generated, at least in part, by the radioactive decay of uranium. 1561 01:41:52,306 --> 01:41:55,108 Uranium was formed in supernova explosions. 1562 01:41:55,209 --> 01:41:58,945 Then the statement that the earth orbits at 19 miles a second. 1563 01:41:59,046 --> 01:42:01,548 Well that'd be OK if the earth's orbit was circular, 1564 01:42:01,649 --> 01:42:03,016 but in fact it's elliptical, 1565 01:42:03,117 --> 01:42:07,087 so it's better to say that the earth sweeps out equal areas in equal times. 1566 01:42:07,188 --> 01:42:09,689 Kepler knew that back in 1609. 1567 01:42:09,791 --> 01:42:13,226 Then the statement that space time expands at the speed of light. 1568 01:42:13,327 --> 01:42:15,195 Well, there was a period of expansion, 1569 01:42:15,296 --> 01:42:17,798 exponential expansion between 10 to the minus 36 1570 01:42:17,899 --> 01:42:22,202 and 10 to the minus 32 seconds after the Big Bang called inflation, in which the 1571 01:42:23,871 --> 01:42:26,907 I think you are being pedantic. 1572 01:42:27,008 --> 01:42:29,409 Just remember that you're standing 1573 01:42:29,510 --> 01:42:35,649 on a planet that's evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour 1574 01:42:35,750 --> 01:42:39,653 That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned 1575 01:42:39,754 --> 01:42:43,323 The sun that is the source of all our power 1576 01:42:43,424 --> 01:42:47,460 The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see 1577 01:42:47,562 --> 01:42:50,030 Are moving at a million miles a day 1578 01:42:51,465 --> 01:42:55,435 In an outer spiral arm at 400,000 miles an hour 1579 01:42:55,536 --> 01:42:59,239 In a galaxy we call the Milky Way 1580 01:44:14,448 --> 01:44:16,182 Work, work, money, money Work, work, money, money 1581 01:44:16,284 --> 01:44:18,118 Work, work, funny money Funny money, work, work 1582 01:44:18,219 --> 01:44:20,186 Work, work, hurry, hurry Work, work, worry, worry 1583 01:44:20,288 --> 01:44:22,122 Work, work, hurry, hurry Worry hurry, work, work 1584 01:44:22,223 --> 01:44:24,124 Morning, morning, morning 1585 01:44:24,225 --> 01:44:26,126 Morning Jill, morning Jack 1586 01:44:26,227 --> 01:44:28,194 Can't complain, keep coming back 1587 01:44:28,296 --> 01:44:30,130 Morning, morning, morning 1588 01:44:30,231 --> 01:44:32,132 Morning Jim, morning Fred 1589 01:44:32,233 --> 01:44:34,167 Work all day until you're dead 1590 01:44:34,268 --> 01:44:36,002 Money is the root of evil 1591 01:44:36,103 --> 01:44:38,071 Money is the fruit of sin 1592 01:44:38,172 --> 01:44:40,173 Money is the root of everything 1593 01:44:40,274 --> 01:44:42,142 Wear a suit, they'll let you in 1594 01:44:42,243 --> 01:44:44,210 Morning, morning, morning 1595 01:44:44,312 --> 01:44:46,146 What's the point and what's the use 1596 01:44:46,247 --> 01:44:48,181 Work until you reproduce 1597 01:44:48,282 --> 01:44:50,116 Boring, boring, boring 1598 01:44:50,217 --> 01:44:52,185 Work all day, earn your bread 1599 01:44:52,286 --> 01:44:54,054 Till you finally drop down dead 1600 01:44:54,155 --> 01:44:56,156 Money is the root of evil 1601 01:44:56,257 --> 01:44:58,058 Money is the fruit of sin 1602 01:44:58,159 --> 01:45:00,160 Money, money, money can drive you mad 1603 01:45:00,261 --> 01:45:02,095 End up in the loony bin 1604 01:45:10,271 --> 01:45:12,172 Work, work, money, money Work, work, money, money 1605 01:45:12,273 --> 01:45:14,140 Work, work, funny money Funny money, work, work 1606 01:45:14,241 --> 01:45:16,142 Work, work, hurry, hurry Work, work, worry, worry 1607 01:45:16,243 --> 01:45:18,111 Work, work, hurry, hurry Worry hurry, work, work 1608 01:45:18,212 --> 01:45:20,347 Money is the root of evil 1609 01:45:20,448 --> 01:45:22,148 Money is the fruit of sin 1610 01:45:22,249 --> 01:45:24,117 Money is the root of everything 1611 01:45:24,218 --> 01:45:26,219 Pay up or we'll do you in 1612 01:45:30,124 --> 01:45:32,158 Work hard every single day 1613 01:45:32,259 --> 01:45:34,194 Work, work, work your life away 1614 01:45:34,295 --> 01:45:36,196 Don't question what, Don't question why 1615 01:45:36,297 --> 01:45:38,164 Just keep working till you die 1616 01:45:38,265 --> 01:45:40,200 Money is the root of evil 1617 01:45:40,301 --> 01:45:42,168 Money is the fruit of sin 1618 01:45:42,269 --> 01:45:44,170 Money is the root of everything 1619 01:45:44,271 --> 01:45:46,172 The Grim Reaper's coming in 1620 01:45:50,211 --> 01:45:52,178 Life is a silly walk in the park 1621 01:45:52,279 --> 01:45:54,180 A knife in your throat held after dark 1622 01:45:54,281 --> 01:45:56,149 Life is a terrible joke, a lark 1623 01:45:56,250 --> 01:45:58,184 A spoken word then it all goes dark 1624 01:45:58,285 --> 01:46:00,120 Money is the root of evil 1625 01:46:00,221 --> 01:46:02,188 Money is the fruit of sin 1626 01:46:02,289 --> 01:46:04,124 Funny money loot will make you rich 1627 01:46:04,225 --> 01:46:06,192 Life's a bitch and you can't win 1628 01:46:06,293 --> 01:46:08,194 Money is the root of evil 1629 01:46:08,295 --> 01:46:10,196 Never, never question why 1630 01:46:10,297 --> 01:46:12,132 Money is the fruit of evil 1631 01:46:12,233 --> 01:46:14,567 Work all day until you die 1632 01:46:33,988 --> 01:46:35,121 Hello. 1633 01:46:35,222 --> 01:46:38,625 Good afternoon sir, have you come for an argument? 1634 01:46:43,597 --> 01:46:45,098 Or would you like a blow job? 1635 01:46:47,334 --> 01:46:48,301 Pardon? 1636 01:46:48,402 --> 01:46:50,336 You've come for an argument. 1637 01:46:50,438 --> 01:46:54,774 - What was the other option? - Nothing... Nothing. 1638 01:46:54,875 --> 01:46:57,510 It's just a special offer. 1639 01:46:57,611 --> 01:46:59,612 So have you been here before? 1640 01:46:59,713 --> 01:47:01,414 No this is my first time. 1641 01:47:01,515 --> 01:47:04,617 I see. Well would you like to have just one argument? 1642 01:47:04,718 --> 01:47:06,352 Or were you thinking of taking a course? 1643 01:47:06,454 --> 01:47:07,620 Well what is the cost? 1644 01:47:07,721 --> 01:47:12,358 It's £1 for a five minute argument, but only £8 for a course of ten. 1645 01:47:12,460 --> 01:47:14,994 Well I think I'll take the five minutes and see how it goes from there. 1646 01:47:15,096 --> 01:47:20,200 Fine. Let's see. Yes, try Mr Barnard. 1647 01:47:20,301 --> 01:47:21,401 Thank you. Thank you. 1648 01:47:22,870 --> 01:47:24,838 Such nice people. 1649 01:47:26,774 --> 01:47:28,808 - What do you want? - Well I... I... 1650 01:47:28,909 --> 01:47:32,378 And don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings. 1651 01:47:32,480 --> 01:47:35,014 Shut your festering gob, you tit. 1652 01:47:35,116 --> 01:47:40,820 Your type makes me puke. You vacuous stuffy malodorous old pervert. 1653 01:47:40,921 --> 01:47:42,555 Look, I came here for an argument. 1654 01:47:42,656 --> 01:47:44,757 I'm sorry, this is abuse. 1655 01:47:46,894 --> 01:47:50,964 - You want next door. - I see. Thank you. 1656 01:47:51,065 --> 01:47:52,799 Not at all. 1657 01:47:52,867 --> 01:47:54,334 Stupid dick! 1658 01:47:56,871 --> 01:47:59,506 Hello. Is this the right room for an argument? 1659 01:47:59,607 --> 01:48:01,674 I've told you once... 1660 01:48:01,775 --> 01:48:03,510 - No, you haven't. - Yes, I have. 1661 01:48:03,611 --> 01:48:05,445 - When? - Just now. 1662 01:48:05,546 --> 01:48:08,548 - No, you didn't. You didn't. - Yes, I did. 1663 01:48:08,649 --> 01:48:12,252 I'm sorry. Is this the five minute argument or the full half hour? 1664 01:48:12,353 --> 01:48:14,220 - Just the five minutes. - Just the five minutes. 1665 01:48:14,321 --> 01:48:16,489 Thank you very much. Anyway I did. 1666 01:48:16,590 --> 01:48:17,557 You most certainly did not. 1667 01:48:17,658 --> 01:48:20,960 Now let's get one thing absolutely clear. I most definitely told you. 1668 01:48:21,061 --> 01:48:22,162 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 1669 01:48:22,263 --> 01:48:23,396 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 1670 01:48:23,497 --> 01:48:24,631 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 1671 01:48:24,732 --> 01:48:25,865 - No you didn't. - Yes I did. 1672 01:48:25,966 --> 01:48:27,066 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 1673 01:48:27,168 --> 01:48:28,301 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 1674 01:48:28,402 --> 01:48:29,536 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 1675 01:48:29,637 --> 01:48:30,770 - No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. 1676 01:48:30,871 --> 01:48:33,173 No, you didn't. Look, this isn't an argument. 1677 01:48:33,274 --> 01:48:35,341 - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. 1678 01:48:37,444 --> 01:48:39,012 - Just contradiction. - No, it isn't. 1679 01:48:39,113 --> 01:48:41,814 - You contradicted me just then. You did... - I did not. 1680 01:48:41,916 --> 01:48:44,584 Never. No, no, no, no, no. 1681 01:48:45,419 --> 01:48:47,120 This is futile. 1682 01:48:47,221 --> 01:48:49,322 - No, it isn't. - Yes, it is. 1683 01:48:50,457 --> 01:48:52,325 - I came here for a good argument. - No, you didn't. 1684 01:48:52,426 --> 01:48:53,826 You came here for an argument. 1685 01:48:53,928 --> 01:48:55,995 - But an argument isn't just contradiction. - Yes, it is. 1686 01:48:56,096 --> 01:48:59,232 No, it isn't. An argument is a connected series of statements 1687 01:48:59,333 --> 01:49:01,434 intended to establish a proposition. 1688 01:49:01,535 --> 01:49:05,104 Look if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. 1689 01:49:05,206 --> 01:49:07,574 - Yes but that's not just saying "No, it isn't." - Yes, it is. 1690 01:49:07,675 --> 01:49:08,641 - No, it isn't. - Yes, it is. 1691 01:49:08,742 --> 01:49:12,445 - No it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't, no it isn't. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes it is. 1692 01:49:12,546 --> 01:49:14,547 Argument is an intellectual process. 1693 01:49:14,648 --> 01:49:17,250 Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying 1694 01:49:17,351 --> 01:49:19,152 of anything the other person says. 1695 01:49:19,253 --> 01:49:20,286 - It is not. - It is. 1696 01:49:20,387 --> 01:49:21,688 - Not at all. - Now look I... 1697 01:49:21,789 --> 01:49:23,623 Thank you, good morning. 1698 01:49:31,198 --> 01:49:33,633 What? What? 1699 01:49:35,336 --> 01:49:37,937 That's it. The five minutes is up. 1700 01:49:38,505 --> 01:49:39,739 That was never five minutes just now. 1701 01:49:39,840 --> 01:49:41,808 - I'm afraid it was. - No, it wasn't. 1702 01:49:45,546 --> 01:49:47,947 I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. 1703 01:49:48,048 --> 01:49:49,182 This is ridiculous. 1704 01:49:49,283 --> 01:49:52,385 If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes. 1705 01:49:52,486 --> 01:49:55,255 But that was never five minutes just now. 1706 01:49:58,425 --> 01:50:01,594 This is ridiculous. There you are. 1707 01:50:01,695 --> 01:50:05,398 - Thank you very much. Very good. - Well? 1708 01:50:08,402 --> 01:50:09,602 What? 1709 01:50:09,703 --> 01:50:10,970 That was never five minutes just now. 1710 01:50:11,071 --> 01:50:14,107 I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay. 1711 01:50:17,344 --> 01:50:19,178 - I just paid. - No, you didn't. 1712 01:50:19,280 --> 01:50:22,048 - I did. I did. I did. I did. - You did not. You did not. 1713 01:50:22,149 --> 01:50:25,551 - I did. I did. I did. I did. - You did not. You did not. 1714 01:50:25,653 --> 01:50:27,086 Look I don't want to argue about that. 1715 01:50:27,187 --> 01:50:28,421 Well, I'm very sorry but you didn't pay. 1716 01:50:30,124 --> 01:50:34,093 If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? Got you. 1717 01:50:36,463 --> 01:50:38,798 - No, you haven't. - Yes, I have. 1718 01:50:40,167 --> 01:50:42,902 - If you're arguing I must have paid. - Not necessarily. 1719 01:50:43,003 --> 01:50:45,338 I could be arguing in my spare time. 1720 01:50:48,742 --> 01:50:52,245 I've got two legs, From my hips to the ground 1721 01:50:52,346 --> 01:50:55,548 And when I move them They walk around 1722 01:50:55,649 --> 01:50:58,851 And when I lift 'em They climb the stairs 1723 01:50:58,952 --> 01:51:02,121 And whoo! When I shave 'em They ain't got hairs! 1724 01:51:02,222 --> 01:51:04,357 I've got two legs with my feet... 1725 01:52:19,500 --> 01:52:21,701 - Good morning. - Morning. 1726 01:52:21,802 --> 01:52:23,035 What have you got then? 1727 01:52:23,137 --> 01:52:26,472 Well there's egg and Spam, 1728 01:52:26,573 --> 01:52:30,910 egg, bacon and Spam. Egg, bacon, sausage and Spam. 1729 01:52:31,011 --> 01:52:33,413 Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam. 1730 01:52:33,514 --> 01:52:37,083 Spam egg. Spam, Spam, bacon and Spam. 1731 01:52:37,184 --> 01:52:40,353 Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam. 1732 01:52:40,454 --> 01:52:45,725 Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, and Spam. 1733 01:52:45,826 --> 01:52:49,695 Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce 1734 01:52:49,797 --> 01:52:54,834 garnished with truffle paté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and Spam. 1735 01:52:56,470 --> 01:52:59,238 Have you got anything without Spam in it? 1736 01:52:59,339 --> 01:53:03,743 Well there's Spam, egg, sausage and Spam. That's not got much Spam in it. 1737 01:53:03,844 --> 01:53:05,411 I don't want any Spam. 1738 01:53:06,046 --> 01:53:09,015 Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage? 1739 01:53:09,116 --> 01:53:10,583 That's got Spam in it. 1740 01:53:10,684 --> 01:53:13,519 Yeah, but not as much as Spam, egg, bacon, Spam and sausage. 1741 01:53:13,620 --> 01:53:18,391 Look. Can I just have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, without the Spam? 1742 01:53:20,594 --> 01:53:22,428 What do you mean... 1743 01:53:22,529 --> 01:53:26,566 You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam. 1744 01:53:26,633 --> 01:53:27,667 Why not? 1745 01:53:27,768 --> 01:53:31,003 Well it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, would it? 1746 01:53:31,104 --> 01:53:32,705 I don't like Spam. 1747 01:53:32,806 --> 01:53:37,043 Don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your Spam, I love it. 1748 01:53:37,144 --> 01:53:42,215 I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam and Spam. 1749 01:53:42,316 --> 01:53:44,116 Baked beans are off. 1750 01:53:45,786 --> 01:53:47,487 Well can I have Spam instead? 1751 01:53:47,588 --> 01:53:51,757 You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam... 1752 01:53:51,859 --> 01:53:53,693 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1753 01:53:53,794 --> 01:53:55,561 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1754 01:53:55,662 --> 01:53:57,430 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1755 01:53:57,531 --> 01:53:59,165 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1756 01:53:59,266 --> 01:54:01,467 Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! 1757 01:54:01,568 --> 01:54:02,735 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1758 01:54:02,803 --> 01:54:03,769 Shut up! 1759 01:54:03,871 --> 01:54:05,505 Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! 1760 01:54:05,572 --> 01:54:06,572 Shut up! 1761 01:54:06,673 --> 01:54:08,241 Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! 1762 01:54:08,308 --> 01:54:10,176 Shut up! 1763 01:54:10,277 --> 01:54:11,744 Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! 1764 01:54:11,812 --> 01:54:13,212 Shut up! 1765 01:54:13,313 --> 01:54:14,480 Bloody Vikings! 1766 01:54:14,548 --> 01:54:15,681 Racist bastard. 1767 01:54:17,618 --> 01:54:21,187 Finland, Finland, Finland 1768 01:54:21,288 --> 01:54:23,656 The country where I quite want to be 1769 01:54:23,757 --> 01:54:27,426 Pony trekking or camping 1770 01:54:27,528 --> 01:54:30,796 Or just watching TV 1771 01:54:31,265 --> 01:54:35,301 Finland, Finland, Finland 1772 01:54:35,402 --> 01:54:38,771 That's the country for me 1773 01:54:39,006 --> 01:54:40,940 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1774 01:54:41,041 --> 01:54:42,842 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1775 01:54:42,943 --> 01:54:44,810 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1776 01:54:44,912 --> 01:54:46,345 Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! 1777 01:54:46,413 --> 01:54:49,682 Oh, Spam 1778 01:54:49,783 --> 01:54:53,085 Lovely Spam! 1779 01:54:53,186 --> 01:54:57,123 Lovely Spam! 1780 01:54:57,224 --> 01:55:02,495 Oh, lovely Spam! 1781 01:55:02,596 --> 01:55:06,465 Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! 1782 01:55:06,567 --> 01:55:10,436 Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! 1783 01:55:10,537 --> 01:55:14,307 Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! 1784 01:55:14,408 --> 01:55:20,580 Lovely spam! Wonderful spam... 1785 01:55:24,184 --> 01:55:26,018 Lovely Spam! 1786 01:55:26,119 --> 01:55:27,887 Lovely Spam! 1787 01:55:27,988 --> 01:55:30,823 Lovely Spam! 1788 01:55:30,924 --> 01:55:33,993 Spam! Spam! Spam! 1789 01:55:34,094 --> 01:55:36,929 I wish to register a complaint. 1790 01:55:46,406 --> 01:55:47,840 Hello, miss. 1791 01:55:49,543 --> 01:55:50,943 What do you mean, miss? 1792 01:55:52,212 --> 01:55:53,879 Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. 1793 01:55:55,082 --> 01:55:56,616 I wish to make a complaint... 1794 01:55:56,717 --> 01:55:57,683 Sorry we're closed for lunch. 1795 01:55:57,784 --> 01:56:00,486 Never mind that... I wish to complain about this parrot 1796 01:56:00,587 --> 01:56:04,123 what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 1797 01:56:04,224 --> 01:56:06,659 Oh, yes, the Norwegian Blue? 1798 01:56:07,894 --> 01:56:08,861 What's wrong with it? 1799 01:56:08,962 --> 01:56:10,663 I tell you what's wrong with it. 1800 01:56:11,331 --> 01:56:13,766 It's dead! That's what's wrong with it. 1801 01:56:14,101 --> 01:56:16,335 No, no. He's resting. 1802 01:56:16,403 --> 01:56:17,870 Look my lad, 1803 01:56:17,971 --> 01:56:19,739 I know a dead parrot when I see one. 1804 01:56:19,840 --> 01:56:22,041 And I'm looking at one right now. 1805 01:56:22,142 --> 01:56:23,175 No, no, he's resting. 1806 01:56:23,276 --> 01:56:24,944 Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, isn't it? 1807 01:56:25,045 --> 01:56:26,078 Beautiful plumage. 1808 01:56:26,179 --> 01:56:28,347 The plumage don't enter into it. 1809 01:56:28,448 --> 01:56:29,915 He's stone dead. 1810 01:56:30,517 --> 01:56:31,584 No, no. 1811 01:56:32,219 --> 01:56:33,185 He's resting. 1812 01:56:33,286 --> 01:56:35,855 All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up. 1813 01:56:35,956 --> 01:56:39,025 Hello, Mr Polly Parrot, I've got a lovely fresh... 1814 01:56:39,126 --> 01:56:40,092 There, he moved. 1815 01:56:40,193 --> 01:56:42,128 No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage. 1816 01:56:42,195 --> 01:56:43,162 I never. 1817 01:56:43,764 --> 01:56:45,498 Hello, Polly! 1818 01:56:48,402 --> 01:56:51,103 This is your 9:00 o'clock alarm call. 1819 01:56:55,575 --> 01:56:57,810 Wakey! Wakey! 1820 01:57:21,034 --> 01:57:22,401 Where were we? 1821 01:57:22,502 --> 01:57:24,437 You say... "And now that's what I call a dead parrot." 1822 01:57:24,538 --> 01:57:26,539 Now that's what I call a dead parrot! 1823 01:57:30,077 --> 01:57:31,544 No, no. 1824 01:57:37,050 --> 01:57:40,019 "No, no" I say. It's stunned! 1825 01:57:40,087 --> 01:57:41,187 Stunned? 1826 01:57:41,288 --> 01:57:42,655 Yeah, stunned! 1827 01:57:42,756 --> 01:57:45,624 You stunned it just as it was waking up, Norwegian Blues stun easily. 1828 01:57:45,726 --> 01:57:47,993 Listen, my lad, I've... 1829 01:57:49,663 --> 01:57:51,297 I've had enough of this. 1830 01:57:51,398 --> 01:57:53,365 That parrot is definitely deceased. 1831 01:57:53,467 --> 01:57:55,367 And when I purchased it, not half an hour ago, 1832 01:57:55,469 --> 01:57:58,604 you assured me that its total lack of movement 1833 01:57:58,705 --> 01:58:04,009 was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk. 1834 01:58:05,879 --> 01:58:10,116 Well, he's probably pining for the fjords. 1835 01:58:12,886 --> 01:58:14,420 Pining for the fjords? 1836 01:58:14,521 --> 01:58:15,888 What kind of talk is that? 1837 01:58:15,989 --> 01:58:19,125 Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home? 1838 01:58:19,226 --> 01:58:22,128 The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on his back. 1839 01:58:22,229 --> 01:58:24,263 Remarkable bird, isn't it? Beautiful plumage. 1840 01:58:24,364 --> 01:58:27,700 Look matey, I took the liberty of examining that bird when I got it home 1841 01:58:27,801 --> 01:58:31,704 and I discovered the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place 1842 01:58:31,805 --> 01:58:34,406 was that it had been nailed there. 1843 01:58:36,877 --> 01:58:39,745 Well, of course it were nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, 1844 01:58:39,846 --> 01:58:41,380 it would have muscled up to those bars, 1845 01:58:41,481 --> 01:58:44,283 ripped them apart with its immensely strong beak... 1846 01:58:44,618 --> 01:58:45,618 and voom. 1847 01:58:45,719 --> 01:58:46,752 - Voom? - Voom. 1848 01:58:46,853 --> 01:58:51,423 Matey, this parrot wouldn't voom if you put 40,000 volts through it. 1849 01:58:51,525 --> 01:58:54,093 It's bleeding demised! 1850 01:58:54,728 --> 01:58:55,761 No. 1851 01:58:55,929 --> 01:58:57,263 No, no, he's... 1852 01:58:57,831 --> 01:58:58,798 He's pining... 1853 01:58:58,899 --> 01:59:01,600 He's not pining! 1854 01:59:01,701 --> 01:59:03,135 He's passed on. 1855 01:59:03,236 --> 01:59:06,639 This parrot is no more. 1856 01:59:07,340 --> 01:59:09,675 He has ceased to be. 1857 01:59:09,776 --> 01:59:13,279 He has expired and gone to meet Doctor Chapman. 1858 01:59:13,780 --> 01:59:15,047 This... 1859 01:59:23,323 --> 01:59:28,394 This is a late parrot... It's a stiff, bereft of life. 1860 01:59:28,495 --> 01:59:30,563 It rests in peace. 1861 01:59:30,664 --> 01:59:34,667 If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. 1862 01:59:34,768 --> 01:59:39,271 It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. 1863 01:59:39,372 --> 01:59:41,941 It has breathed its last. 1864 01:59:42,042 --> 01:59:47,746 Its metabolic processes are a matter of interest only to Victorians. 1865 01:59:47,848 --> 01:59:50,950 He has... He has kicked the bucket. 1866 01:59:51,051 --> 01:59:53,652 This is an ex-parrot. 1867 02:00:05,265 --> 02:00:07,132 Well I'd better replace it, then. 1868 02:00:08,802 --> 02:00:11,637 I was listening to the wireless this morning... 1869 02:00:11,738 --> 02:00:14,106 Very interesting, apparently, 1870 02:00:14,207 --> 02:00:19,912 the editor of the Daily Mail, Mr Paul Dacre has just received an arsehole transplant. 1871 02:00:22,916 --> 02:00:23,916 Yeah. 1872 02:00:25,118 --> 02:00:26,518 I heard that... 1873 02:00:26,620 --> 02:00:29,321 I heard that too. The arsehole rejected him, I hear. 1874 02:00:29,756 --> 02:00:31,090 - Oh really? - Yeah. 1875 02:00:32,125 --> 02:00:34,860 I've been round the back, I've had a look... 1876 02:00:34,961 --> 02:00:36,662 we're right out of parrots. 1877 02:00:36,763 --> 02:00:38,197 I see, I see, I get the picture... 1878 02:00:38,265 --> 02:00:39,765 But... 1879 02:00:40,166 --> 02:00:43,302 I have got a selection of cheeses. 1880 02:00:45,505 --> 02:00:46,672 Amazingly enough. 1881 02:00:46,773 --> 02:00:48,274 A selection of cheeses? 1882 02:00:48,375 --> 02:00:49,441 - Yeah. - Really? 1883 02:00:49,542 --> 02:00:50,643 What you have got? 1884 02:00:50,744 --> 02:00:51,877 You name it, I've got it. 1885 02:00:51,945 --> 02:00:52,945 Brie? 1886 02:00:53,380 --> 02:00:54,380 No. 1887 02:00:55,315 --> 02:00:56,649 - Camembert? - No. 1888 02:00:56,750 --> 02:00:58,484 - Bresse bleu? - No. 1889 02:00:58,551 --> 02:00:59,618 Stilton? 1890 02:01:02,722 --> 02:01:03,689 No. 1891 02:01:03,790 --> 02:01:05,758 - Lancashire cheese? - No 1892 02:01:05,859 --> 02:01:08,327 - Red Leicester? - No. 1893 02:01:08,428 --> 02:01:09,795 - Double Gloucester? - No. 1894 02:01:10,830 --> 02:01:12,431 Stinking Bishop? 1895 02:01:14,234 --> 02:01:15,601 Don't you call me names. 1896 02:01:15,969 --> 02:01:19,138 It's the name of a well-known West Country cheese, you should know that, 1897 02:01:19,239 --> 02:01:20,439 you run a pet shop. 1898 02:01:22,208 --> 02:01:23,976 Caerphilly? 1899 02:01:24,044 --> 02:01:25,010 No. 1900 02:01:25,111 --> 02:01:26,679 You don't have any Caerphilly? 1901 02:01:26,746 --> 02:01:27,780 No. 1902 02:01:27,881 --> 02:01:29,381 - Wensleydale? - Yeah. 1903 02:01:37,190 --> 02:01:39,458 Well, I'll have a pound of Wensleydale cheese, please. 1904 02:01:39,559 --> 02:01:41,794 Oh, sorry, I thought you were talking to me. 1905 02:01:41,895 --> 02:01:44,430 That's my name, Arthur Wensleydale. 1906 02:01:49,669 --> 02:01:50,669 - Gruyère? - No. 1907 02:01:50,770 --> 02:01:52,071 - Emmental? - No 1908 02:01:52,172 --> 02:01:54,306 - Jarlsberg? - No. 1909 02:01:54,941 --> 02:01:57,977 Armenian String Cheese with cumin seeds? 1910 02:02:00,680 --> 02:02:02,748 Not much call for it round here, squire. 1911 02:02:03,383 --> 02:02:06,085 Zimbabwean rhinoceros milk cheese? 1912 02:02:08,154 --> 02:02:09,355 Cat's eaten it. 1913 02:02:11,591 --> 02:02:12,891 - Tell you what. - What? 1914 02:02:15,195 --> 02:02:17,096 You haven't asked me about Cheddar. 1915 02:02:18,398 --> 02:02:20,399 - Cheddar? - Yeah, Cheddar. 1916 02:02:20,467 --> 02:02:21,834 You know... 1917 02:02:25,572 --> 02:02:26,605 Is it worth it? 1918 02:02:28,908 --> 02:02:30,743 - Could be. - All right, I'm game. 1919 02:02:31,678 --> 02:02:35,714 Do you have... Honestly expecting the answer "No," any Cheddar? 1920 02:02:35,782 --> 02:02:36,782 No. 1921 02:02:46,960 --> 02:02:48,827 Do you want to come back to my place? 1922 02:02:48,928 --> 02:02:50,562 I thought he'd never ask. 1923 02:03:37,811 --> 02:03:39,511 Oh, isn't he a lovely little... 1924 02:03:46,219 --> 02:03:48,053 Oh, isn't he a lovely little... 1925 02:03:57,263 --> 02:03:58,630 Oh, isn't he a lovely little... 1926 02:03:58,731 --> 02:04:02,434 Wait a minute, buckaroos, this has gone far enough. 1927 02:04:04,204 --> 02:04:06,105 No, no, no. 1928 02:04:06,206 --> 02:04:08,774 Get it away. Get it away. 1929 02:04:08,842 --> 02:04:10,042 Get it away. 1930 02:04:26,259 --> 02:04:26,358 Good evening ladies and gentlemen, 1931 02:04:26,359 --> 02:04:28,093 Good evening ladies and gentlemen, 1932 02:04:28,194 --> 02:04:32,598 it's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening. 1933 02:04:32,699 --> 02:04:37,836 A very wonderful and warm and emotional moment for all of us 1934 02:04:37,937 --> 02:04:43,509 and I'd like to sing a song for all of you. 1935 02:04:47,113 --> 02:04:50,782 It's Christmas in Heaven 1936 02:04:50,884 --> 02:04:54,219 All the children sing 1937 02:04:54,320 --> 02:04:57,055 It's Christmas in Heaven 1938 02:04:57,157 --> 02:05:01,226 Hark, hark, those church bells ring 1939 02:05:01,327 --> 02:05:04,363 It's Christmas in Heaven 1940 02:05:04,464 --> 02:05:08,267 The snow falls from the sky 1941 02:05:08,368 --> 02:05:11,470 But it's nice and warm, and everyone 1942 02:05:11,571 --> 02:05:14,873 Looks smart and wears a tie 1943 02:05:20,446 --> 02:05:24,016 It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven 1944 02:05:24,117 --> 02:05:26,618 Hip hip hip hip hip hooray 1945 02:05:26,719 --> 02:05:30,155 Every single day 1946 02:05:30,256 --> 02:05:33,592 Is Christmas day 1947 02:05:34,260 --> 02:05:37,729 It's Christmas in Heaven 1948 02:05:37,830 --> 02:05:40,666 So welcome everyone 1949 02:05:41,701 --> 02:05:44,937 Every day is just the same 1950 02:05:45,038 --> 02:05:48,006 There's tons and tons of fun 1951 02:05:48,107 --> 02:05:51,476 It's Christmas in Heaven 1952 02:05:51,578 --> 02:05:55,414 You've won life's lottery 1953 02:05:55,515 --> 02:05:57,983 For heaven's just like Vegas 1954 02:05:58,084 --> 02:06:02,387 And it's absolutely free 1955 02:06:02,488 --> 02:06:06,158 It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven 1956 02:06:06,259 --> 02:06:08,827 Hip hip hip hip hip hooray 1957 02:06:08,928 --> 02:06:12,464 Every single day 1958 02:06:12,565 --> 02:06:15,234 Is Christmas day 1959 02:06:16,703 --> 02:06:20,505 It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven 1960 02:06:20,607 --> 02:06:23,208 Hip hip hip hip hip hooray 1961 02:06:23,309 --> 02:06:26,845 Every single day 1962 02:06:26,946 --> 02:06:29,815 Is Christmas day 1963 02:06:29,916 --> 02:06:31,316 Round number two! 1964 02:06:31,417 --> 02:06:34,920 It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven 1965 02:06:35,021 --> 02:06:37,789 Hip hip hip hip hip hooray 1966 02:06:37,890 --> 02:06:41,260 Every single day 1967 02:06:41,361 --> 02:06:44,196 Is Christmas day 1968 02:06:45,832 --> 02:06:49,635 It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven 1969 02:06:49,736 --> 02:06:52,437 Hip hip hip hip hip hooray 1970 02:06:52,538 --> 02:06:57,209 Every single day 1971 02:06:57,310 --> 02:07:03,515 Is Christmas day 1972 02:09:00,199 --> 02:09:03,268 Ladies and gentlemen, 1973 02:09:03,369 --> 02:09:06,938 tonight this show is going live all round the world, 1974 02:09:07,039 --> 02:09:08,907 amazingly enough. 1975 02:09:11,677 --> 02:09:14,880 Including North America, South America, 1976 02:09:14,981 --> 02:09:16,748 Europe, Africa, 1977 02:09:16,849 --> 02:09:19,418 The Middle East, Asia and Australia. 1978 02:09:22,255 --> 02:09:25,223 On TV and film, so wherever you're watching, 1979 02:09:25,324 --> 02:09:29,394 would you please all join us, all the way around the world, 1980 02:09:29,495 --> 02:09:33,131 in saying farewell to us by singing this little ditty. 1981 02:09:38,638 --> 02:09:40,806 Some things in life are bad 1982 02:09:40,907 --> 02:09:43,542 They can really make you mad 1983 02:09:43,643 --> 02:09:47,145 Other things just make you swear and curse 1984 02:09:47,246 --> 02:09:49,881 When you're chewing on life's gristle 1985 02:09:49,982 --> 02:09:52,784 Don't grumble, give a whistle 1986 02:09:52,885 --> 02:09:57,556 And this'll help things turn out for the best... 1987 02:09:57,623 --> 02:09:59,357 And... 1988 02:09:59,459 --> 02:10:04,563 Always look on the bright side of life 1989 02:10:06,732 --> 02:10:07,699 Come on! 1990 02:10:07,800 --> 02:10:12,404 Always look on the bright side of life 1991 02:10:15,875 --> 02:10:17,909 If life seems jolly rotten 1992 02:10:18,010 --> 02:10:19,945 There's something you've forgotten 1993 02:10:20,046 --> 02:10:23,849 And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing 1994 02:10:23,950 --> 02:10:26,017 When you're feeling in the dumps 1995 02:10:26,118 --> 02:10:28,286 Don't be silly chumps 1996 02:10:28,387 --> 02:10:31,690 Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing 1997 02:10:31,791 --> 02:10:37,596 And always look on the bright side of life 1998 02:10:41,000 --> 02:10:45,904 Always look on the bright side of life 1999 02:10:49,308 --> 02:10:51,276 For life is quite absurd 2000 02:10:51,377 --> 02:10:53,411 And death's the final word 2001 02:10:53,513 --> 02:10:57,449 You must always face the curtain with a bow 2002 02:10:57,550 --> 02:11:01,520 Forget about your sin Give the audience a grin 2003 02:11:01,621 --> 02:11:05,090 Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow 2004 02:11:05,191 --> 02:11:10,829 So always look on the bright side of death 2005 02:11:14,300 --> 02:11:19,170 Just before you draw your terminal breath 2006 02:11:22,575 --> 02:11:26,378 Life's a piece of shit When you look at it 2007 02:11:26,479 --> 02:11:30,749 Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true 2008 02:11:30,850 --> 02:11:34,553 You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughin as you go 2009 02:11:34,654 --> 02:11:38,423 Just remember that the last laugh is on you 2010 02:11:38,524 --> 02:11:43,862 And... Always look on the bright side of life 2011 02:11:47,166 --> 02:11:52,337 Always look on the bright side of life 2012 02:11:53,472 --> 02:11:55,206 Key change, here we go! 2013 02:11:55,708 --> 02:12:00,211 Always look on the bright side of life 2014 02:12:03,849 --> 02:12:08,653 Always look on the bright side of life 2015 02:12:12,091 --> 02:12:17,228 Always look on the bright side of life 2016 02:12:20,333 --> 02:12:25,470 Always look on the bright side of life 2017 02:12:28,641 --> 02:12:33,778 Always look on the bright side of life 2018 02:12:33,846 --> 02:12:34,846 Yeah! 2019 02:12:36,882 --> 02:12:41,653 Always look on the bright side of life 2020 02:12:44,991 --> 02:12:51,830 Always look on the bright side of life 2021 02:14:03,002 --> 02:14:05,203 Carol! Hey 2022 02:14:12,611 --> 02:14:14,446 Thank you! 2023 02:14:17,917 --> 02:14:20,051 Thank you! Thank you! 2024 02:14:20,119 --> 02:14:21,820 Thank you!